The thoughts and opinions of The Sage are in no way those the ELPMCC committee.
Every effort has been made to persuade The Sage to keep his comments clean and free from possible libel action.
#27 2010 "....Wady grabbed him and let him know he was t'token scorer. T''poor boy hadn't a clue how t'do t'job let alone spell scorer"
#27 2010 "It 'as t'be reported that some damage was done t'club very late last August Sunday. T'pizza man arrived with two young ladies who were desperate for t'loo. T''Kiwi volunteered to show them t'way only t'trip over t'heater cable and rip t'plug socket off t'wall. Sometimes it doesn't pay t'be a gentleman."
#26 2010 "T'Chairman was blissfully unaware for half t'evening that his ELPM cap had been replaced with a Thomas t'Tank Engine one."
#25 2010 "T'rumour is that t'outfield only gets cut when TD's 'ad a haircut, in me opinion both need a damn good shearing"
#24 2010 "....t'shock of a first team win and t'depression of another heavy second team defeat sent me and t'wife t'Lakes for a bit of r and r . Tried really 'ard t'keep t'wallet tight but t'old gal booled me a google and used t'flexible friend t'purchase a spotted teapot.
#24 2010 "T'battle of t'bruvvers has died out as Gavin 'as seen off Carl as has Ian with Gary. Both Birty boys can't score a run between themselves which leaves Steve and Danny D, both of whom have had shit seasons with t'bat so we'll call it a day. Less work for me."
#23 2010 "T'club is sending out a SOS call for batsmen. if you want a change of club there's a place at T'Millers"
#21 2010 "I tried t'contact t'skipper last night but his wife told me that t'stress of skippering t'bunch of wazzocks has resulted in him being forceably admitted t'clinic for battle scarred skippers, where he met Wadey on t'way out."
#20 2010 "Too many players lack t'consistency which was t'hallmark of my playing days, mind you, t'brown envelopes helped."
#19 2010 "'Twas a pleasure to see Fatboyslim's fitness levels at such a high peak and despite t'loss of weight in t'arse area he's managed t'counterbalance when pulling t'leg.A club record partnership ensued of 339 as Fatboyslim 20/12 out muscled Wadey 21/9 in t'boundary count. t'Wadey needs t'go t'gym as some of his 6s weren't clearing t'houses."
#18 2010 "Holty's arm refused t'go t'grave with any reverence. ...despite searing pain, he still kept on talking until t'casualty stuffed him full of morphine.Even then, it needed a second dose t'throttle t'tongue."
#15 2010 "T'was another shambolic display by t'first team and I don't know why I booother to waste valuable space in describing their performance, so I won't."
#13 2010 "T'true art of sliding down t'batting order was dramatically displayed on Saturday. Shaky was padded up for 15 overs when t'skipper imparted t'immortal words t'Shaky 'We've 'ad a good start and don't need your sort of batting now' . T'was a cruel blow for poor Albert as not only did he slump from number 3 straight t'number 11 but failed t'get his £6 worth other than a good tea.
#12 2010 "t'catching deteriorated again and t'highlight was Danny W attempt to catch a skier. Now t'manual says t'boy should take some time t'assess t'situation, get into position and steady thee self and do t'business; not run in straight away,stand still and then let t'ball go over t'head for four."
#11 2010 "T'old hands watched in amusement at t'birthday bash as young Carl targetted 11/13 unattached females. Poor boy 'as lost his touch as he appears unable t'pull t'skin o'a rice pudding; but t'lad's a trier even taking 3 home in t'taxi, but I'm afraid as they say in t'Eurovision, t'lad scored nil points."
#8 2010 "El Presidente, who then proceded,with t'aid of beer mats, to show young Nigel how to set a defensive field t'Marcus. To cut a long story short it basically involved everyone on t'boundary, though he ran out of t'mats,"
#7 2010 "all this pales into insignificance with t'behaviour of young Gav, and if I was on t'committee I would 'ave him banned for life but I'd settle for a damn good thrashing with t'birch....Young Dwyne fields well but when Gav comes on he lets t'ball pathetically through his legs for four. Last year his big arse would 'ave stopped it."
#4 2010 "It was good to see me old mate Mr.Openshaw, t'man could bowl. As most of you know, Oppy started smoking in t'womb and decided t'stop t'save money. Unfortunately t'enterprise backfired as hisconstant masticating has resulted in him having to buy a new 'wardrobe' as he now 'as t'same problem as t'Hulk.
#4 2010 "I was just finishing off an excellent Donna tea when me last bit of t'swiss roll was rudely spluttered out as Zorro pinched a quick single to start t'proceedings."
#2 2010 "Finally, still no sign of 1st team skipper.....there's a pint for the t'first to see the lesser spotted kiwi. All bets off if he's first seen ten minutes before first match."
#1 2010 "Surely a Saturday afternoon at t'club is better than one with t'wife? Talking of t'wife, I sense a fund raising photo opportunity for t'club now the score box has a large window and red light above it, and along with t'stencilled duck, two of t'club's innovations this year."
6 - 21
It is with sadness and no small sense of relief that ELPM CC announce that T'Sage will no longer be offering his weekly comments on the social and cricket scene at ELPM. Enjoy his previous weekly reviews in "T'Sage by T'Season".