T'Sage

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The thoughts and opinions of The Sage are in no way those the ELPMCC committee.

Every effort has been made to persuade The Sage to keep his comments clean and free from possible libel action.

2011 WINTER SAGE: PART 2 : TD TO WED

T'club has announced that Lady Chatterley's Lover Syndrome has hit t'club. T'rough an'ready TD is t'marry that well known Radcliffian Property Tycoon Lady Jackson. She will forthwith be known as Lady Jackson-Birtwistle (LJB for future reference). One of me sources tried t'interview t'lass on one of her estates but was beaten back by smoke pouring from every orfice in t'house. A figure emerged statin' he couldn't stop as he was orf t'buy another 60 fags t'last t'day. TD intends t'use t' club roller t'drive t'bride t'ceremony on July 21st as 'twas t'oil and grease, as she inspected his container, that sparked t'relationship. Both parties have been summoned to t'club's disciplinary hearing as t'buggers are t'wed during t'cricket season. A jail sentence followed by a five year ban is not oout o'question for this heinous crime.

c T'Sage 9/12/11

2011 WINTER SAGE: PART 1 : I'M BACK

T'booggers keep complainin' that I'm not pontificating enough. I've deliberately rested me thooughts for two months so that t'vitrioic juices can flow when t'need arises. T'time 'as come.

So what's been 'appening' whilst I've been away. Well t'fiancee is now official. TD 'as succumbed t'her wily charms t'such an extent that he now 'as a permanent grin. T'Presentation Evening went well with more attendin' t'event which 'ad been brought forward. Now t'comment on t'runners and riders.

1st Xl batting: Fatboyslim again, only 'cause t'booger kept gettin' red inkers.

1st Xl bowling: T'Man from M&S - swings t'ball early doors,shite second spell,how he gets so many is one of life's mysteries.

1st Xl Fielding: T'Forgotten Man- Danny W,rarely used booler and bat, suspect captain's sympathy vote 'ere or he slipped t'skipper a fag and a pint or two.

2nd Xl Batting: Kevin D- only player to crawl over t'200 runs qualifying line.

2nd Xl Bowling: Marcus - t'skipper didn't bool himself enough and badly missed t'Pink Blur but scraped home ahead o'AB

2nd Xl Fielding: Brummy Boy- t'rose among t'horseshite

1st Xl Captain's Trophy: Phil P - t'lad 'ad a good season behind t'stumps.

2nd Xl Captain's Trophy: Brummy Boy - would've gotten more wickets if t'team could've coought a ball and batting improved as t'season progressed.

Secretary's Cup: Joe B for his 8-46 v Swinton Moorside just before he disappeared.

6 hit trophy: T'sloggers trophy was shared by Fatboyslim and t'England International

Highest Partnership: 115 Postie Fran and Fatboyslim. Good t'see t'Postie returned t'boswam o't'club.

Lurpak Trophy: 'tis for persistent shoddy fielding: T'were a number of candidates including t'Kiwi but it went t'Ashley B for a season o'pocket billards. It's what 'appens when you've gotta gal apparently.

Shoddy White Boot Trophy: 'tis for t'worst set of booling figures in a match. 'twas easily won by t'England International with 3-0-46-0, enough said.

Duck Trophy: Wadey, t'first team skipper obviously leads by example.

Roy Darcy Trophy: Club Person o't'year : T' official fiancee

T'Bonfire Nite Do attracted a record crowd and drank t'bar dry. Even Steptoe managed an appearance.

T'AGM went smoothly with t'usual reprobates being elected. Both skippers were re-elected.

All that's left to do is t'continual battle t'save t'club and a humbug Christmas t'y'all.

c T'Sage 27/11/11

2011 SUMMER SAGE: PART 22 : 2nds ABANDONED/ WADEY SNARED /ADVERSE POSSESSION

T'summer ended for t'seconds with another two points for an abandoned game, their fourth withoout a ball being booled. In fact, including matches forfeited, t'seconds 'ave only been on t'field o'play for 12 matches. Hopefully young Marcus will get t'averages in so we can all 'ave a laugh over t'winter.

Jenny's masterplan came t'fruitation on Saturday as Wadey was finally snared by t'marriage vows.I understand a number o'seats 'ad t'be kept free as he didn't know 'ow many of his offspring dotted aroound t'country were t'attend.

T'fight t'keep t'club ground began in earnest last Friday with t'Millers claim for adverse possession submitted. Hopefully t'Sage will be able t'give you regular updates interspersed among me various hoolidays. It's a 'ard life being retired.

c T'Sage 19/9/11

2011 SUMMER SAGE: PART 21 : FIRSTS OH SO CLOSE/DISMAL SECONDS

T'key match t'decide t'league went t'last ball o't'match with t'Lakesiders requiring 1 run off t'last ball with 1 wicket left....and got it. T'only controversy was that RCC had no scorer. T'Millers 'ad t'consolation o'winning t'last six competition snaffling 27 oout o'30 points...t'rain affected match v Lakesiders turned oout t'be t'defining moment o't'season.

T'seconds 'ave avoided relegation but it's been a dismal season. O't'31 points gained only 13 have been actually won by t'Millers, t'remaining 18 have been forfeited and rained off matches. T'batting 'as been appalling with no player scoring 200 runs for t'season and t'booling has been erratic. On Sunday they were heavily beaten by Westhoughton by 8 wickets. T'Millers were dismissed for 103 with Gaz Young 25, Kevin 22 and t'much improved Louis Brum 20 not out. T'fielding once again failed t'support t'boolin' as Kevin dropped one and Redders ran away from one claiming t'imaginery sun got in t'eyes. Westhoughton knocked off t'score for t'loss of only two wickets. T'last match of the season is next Sunday against Thornham and hopefully most of the team will avoid t'hangover from Wadey's wedding next Saturday.

c T'Sage 12/9/11

2011 SUMMER SAGE: PART 20 : FIRSTS WIN TO ENSURE MINIMUM OF LEAGUE R-UP/ PINK BLUR MAKES BENJI LOOK A WORLD BEATER

T'firsts came up truumps again as they completed a rare win at t'home of t'Catholic Club. T'result gives them 12 five points wins which no one else can match. In t'process all clubs except for t'Lakesiders are out of t'running. T'season reaches its climax next week when RCC play Lakeside. 'Twas t'Man from M&S, who at one stage had 4-4, who carved his way thro' t'RCC batting line up as they coollapsed to 25-7. A mini revival got 'em t' 44-8 but in came Tayab who yet gain proved t'be a thorn for t'Millers.T'skipper brought on his future father-in-law for one oover but promptly removed t'old man t'prevent 'im from suffering severe punishment as 13 was smacked off t'over. Me reports must 'ave finally got thro' t'skipper who eventually brought on t'grossly underated all rounder Danny W who promptly had Tayab caught by Matty for 38. RCC finally finished on 97 with t'Man from M&S taking 5-29 and Wadey 3-16. In reply Wadey failed t'trooble t'scorers but Poostie Fran (35) and Fatboyslim(23) took t'score to 47-1 before t'rain came. RCC used every trick in t'book t'prevent going back on but eventually t'rain stopped. T'score reached 84-3 when a clatter o'wickets saw t'Millers slump to 90-7 but Gaz Young and Phil saw t'team t'famous victory at 98-7.

T'seconds skipper had been taken by t'firsts and was badly missed. One of the weakest second teams t'take t'field was saved by the weather. Erratic booling including 12 wides and 7 noo balls enabled Roe Green t' reach 134 on a wicket where 100 was a goood score. Dwayne took two wickets but it was t'introduction o' young Benji that saw Roe Green being all out. T'Pink Blur had been wheeled out for a rare airing and snaffled four victims, two off young Birty, which saw him take 4-20. In reply, t'batting coollapsed as expected but t'rain came and meant t'loss o' 10 overs. T'Millers managed t'hold out for t'remaining 14 overs thanks t'Louis Brum 21 and Dwayne 11 not out,to reach 50-6 off 35 overs.

T'Pink Blur informs me he slept till 12.30pm on Sunday and could hardly walk havin' squatted for 42 overs. Whilst havin' a lunchtime breakfast he was ordered by t'wife t'accompany her t'Dunelm ignoring his excuse that there was noo petrol in t'car. He then committed t'cardinal sin of ignoring t'wife as she surfed t'shop. This resulted in t'female 'incessant talking gene' kicking in.. For those young male readers, this gene enables t'female t'talk incessant drivvle for hours on end whilst barely takin' a breath. T'wife asked him t'choose between a cherry yohurt or insipid cream bedsheet. Now t'correct answer should've been 'I like both,you choose' but no, t'Blur made a choice only to suffer t'consequences in t'evening, as he was lambasted whilst bedmaking with t'wife, as she stated that t'sheet was t''wrong colour choice and 'we won't be using this again in this room'.

Wadey's stag nite on Friday has t'bizarre situation of t'father o't'bride organising it. T'bride's plea o' 'Don't leave him battered and bruised' was greeted with a Kiwi toothless grin.

Steptoe continues t'collect medical problems as City collect players. This time he's got sciatica which only confirms t' fact he's a pain in th'arse.

c T'Sage 6/9/11

2011 SUMMER SAGE: PART 19:

MASTERCHEF & MAN FROM M&S KEEP TITLE DREAM ALIVE/GROSSLY UNDERATED ALL ROUNDER SECURES STANLEY NEWHOUSE TROPHY

T'firsts climbed back t'top o'table, on matches won, as three teams tied with 63 pooints. T'booys from t'Fothers were dismissed for 106,despite Franny's droopped doollies,as t'man from M&S scythed thro' t'top order with 5-33 and then t'veteran Kiwi mopped up t'tail with 3-14. Mayhem ensued as t'pressure told and t'Millers crumbled t' 62-8 with only t'Masterchef standing firm, a man amongst booys. T'Fireman (12) stayed with him until t'score was on 92 and it was left t'Man from M&S t'stay with t'Masterchef (37no) to help t'Millers crawl t'victory at 107-9.

On t'Sunday t'Stanley Newhouse Trophy was regained from t'Fothers who were booled out for 125. Five boolers picked up two wickets apiece. In reply, t'grossly underated allroounder Danny W was proomooted t'number three and showed 'is class with a quality 51no and then retired. This foollowed his spelled o'0-5 off four oovers. T'match was then secured with a rare appearance from TD who hit 21 not oout and Wadey 14not oout t'see t'team coast t'128-4.

T'Secretary appeared rather doon in t'dumps when I encountered 'im. During t'Saturday game he 'ad been informed he 'ad b'come a grandfather for t'first time. I toold 'im Jessica woould make a fine Millers' scorer and that he needn't feel old as he looked far younger than t'other grandfathers Steptoe an' Kiwi. I think t'real prooblem was his last statement 'T'shit o'a Treasurer 'as still not reimbursed me the 55p'.

c T'Sage 31/8/11

2011 SUMMER SAGE:PART 18: RAIN FOILS FIRSTS/SECONDS WIN FRIENDLY/FRANNY ZZZZ

T'climax t'season began with t'rain foilin' t'firsts in their bid for t'title. Unfortunately their rivals RCC and t'Fothers 'ad quick easy wins and 'ave a game in 'and. T'fitness o't'skipper needs investigatin' as he was run out whilst battin' with t'veteran o't'side Franny. This enabled Fatboyslim t'display 'is strokes as he hit an excellent 63 and along with Franny's 33 saw t'Millers t'146-1 and t'side looked set for a big score. 'Twas not t'be as a clatter o'wickets saw t'Millers dismissed in 42 overs for 207. Only Danny W, remember 'im, t'phantoom booler, well t'skipper doesn't, and when questioned merely stated 'We're winning'. Well t'boy appears t'be thrutching t'willow t'good effect and scored a much needed 18no.T'Millers were only able t'bool 33 overs with t'Lakesiders struggling on 132-7. T'Fireman toook 3-60 aided by two wickets apiece from t'Man from M&S and young Matty.

T'seconds won their friendly against Milnrow who were dismissed for 82. Dangerous Dave took three wickets as did Martin Thommo and there was two for Dwayne. T'quality o't'oppoosition was seen when Zorro was dropped five times and finally 'retired embarrassed' for 31no as t'team cruised t'84-3.

There's severe concern o't'drinkin' legend that is Franny D. T'session began as usual with 'im quaffin' t'ale, with it barely touchin' t'sides, and his usual pontifications on anything cricket. He then fell asleep at t'bar. T'old boy's innings o'33 must 'ave exhausted him although those still present say he just gave up t'will t'live durin' t'Treasurer's thirty minutes monologue on all things electrical.

c T'Sage 23/8/11

2011 SUMMER SAGE:PART 17: 1sts TOP OF LEAGUE / 2nds CONTINUE DOWNWARD SLIDE

Well booger me, t'firsts won again and sit astride at t'top o't'league for first time since 2003. 'Tis tight with two points covering t'top four albeit t'Millers 'aving played a game more. However, t'title is theirs t'lose as their last remaining three games are against teams in 2-4th place.I thoought I'd educate m'readers with t'word albeit as most of you will think I'm speaking bosch. Failsworth were dispatched for 85 after recovering from t'Fireman's early burst o'3-28, leavin' 'em 35-4, t'79-4 and then a combination o't'Master Chef (3-15) and Matty (3-11) skittled t'lower order. In reply, t'Millers collapsed t'15-3 before t'Master Chef (20) and Fatboyslim,returning from 'is 'oliday sojourn, put on 56 before t'Chef was stumped. T'Kiwi ensured no further wickets were lost as Fatboyslim ensured he 'ad a red inker.....again and finished 38no in a score o'87-4.

T'seconds slumped again as t'woeful battin' and dropped catches continued. Failsworth were reduced t'38-5 with AB takin' 4 wickets,but what appears t'be a tactical error in lettin' Redders 'ave t'ball resulted in a haemorrhagin' o' runs until t'skipper came on and took 3-2 in 13 balls t'see Failsworth 109. T'Colonel managed t'reach double figures for t'first time in many a year and even reached t'dizzy heights o'21 and with AB (23) put on 46 for t'first wicket. T'usual coollapse ensued as they crashed t'75-7 but t'Brummy boy (18) and Dwayne 12no managed a recoovery which t'skipper continued. With t'team on 106-8, Mr Reeves (8-34) booled t'skipper for 6 and Ashley for a duck, t'leave t'Millers three runs short.

T'Division3 Cup Final was interesting. T'bottom team, 'aving been booled oout for 96 chasing 284 on t'Saturday, somehow managed t'thrash t'undefeated league leaders on t'Soonday.

Despite t'inclement weather, t'Fun Day went well last Soonday and a big thank you must go t'fiancee for masterminding t'event.

'The anal Treasurer's a shit' was t'information I received from t'Secretary. On further investigation it appears that t'Treasurer assured t'Secretary that t'£305.00 in small coinage he gave 'im t'bank 'ad been thoroughly checked. T'Secretary hauled t'shrapel t'bank only t'b'told three bags were short.Now thou knows t'Secretary is extremely reluctant t'spend his money and 'ad to shell out t'missing 55p.T'moral o't'story is t'Treasurer's a bullshitter, always has been,always will be.

c T'Sage 14/8/11 + 15/8/11 following message from t'Secretary.

2011 SUMMER SAGE:PART 16: MASTERCHEF COOKS TOTTY DUCK/ 2NDS FAIL MISERABLY

T'Secretary informs me t'ECB Anti-Corruption squad is on its way t'investigate t'unlikelyhoood o't'firsts improbable run o'six matches undefeated. T'lads from Tots made steady progress t'70-3 before t'skipper, fresh from a week o'Carry on Campin' with t'Kiwi, made t'inspirational decision t'bool t'Masterchef. Now I make noo apoology t'fact I regularly slag off t'boy for his shite performances, but you can't keep an oold dog doon. Boolin' his medium slow filth on doggy knees he scythed through t'batting oorder t' ave t'ridiculous figures o' 5-10 off six oovers. T'Kiwi ambled his way through seven t' take 2-25 as TSJ coollapsed to 95 all oout. Meehan began t'carnage with 'is unbroken spell o'seventeen overs as t'Millers capitulated t'29-5. Surveying t'mess in his new middle order position, t'Masterchef (23), with t'aid o'Phil Party (19) rebuilt t'innings and when t'partnership was broken t'Fireman took up t'cudgel with 19no and with Danny 'giveusabool' Willett 4no took t'team across t'line.

T'seconds returned after a lay off, but produced an inept performance being all oout for 91. Thornham 'ad noo problem knockin'em off for t'loss o'two wickets. T'only performance worthy o'note was from t'performance o' t'Bolton Backside, who 'as taken up keepin' as his pace booling neither 'as pace nor has he t'energy t'complete his run up due t'his mother's constant feeding 'im on a Tuesday nite diet o'bangers,mash,gravy,pies,puddings and chips. T'word is that t'performance could mean t'long search t'find someone t'reach t'high standards set by t'Pink Blur is over.

T''Secretary is off t'Taunton this week with t'Lanky U14 booys. Purely in his pastoral capacity, he invited t'Chairman's wife t'join 'im as she was on holiday and 'ad t'exciting prospect o' either delivering milk or labouring for Redders. She declined stating t'Chairman, despite being a physical wreck as he approached 50, still 'ad one part which functioned as normal. T'Fun Day will be reported on next week but it appears that t'organiser as already hijacked t'main prize...t'chance t'shower Ivor.

c T'Sage 7/8/11

2011 SUMMER SAGE:PART 15: FIRSTS REACH DIZZY HEIGHTS OF 3rd/TD IN DENIAL

T'firsts continue t'rumble up t'league table as they went five games undefeated and completed t'double over Elton Vale. There's no love lost 'tween these two teams and so it proved throughoout t'proceedings. T'Millers hit their biggest total at Valers which is traditionally a pitch with loow boounce. Skipper Wadey hit 47 after losing Francis LBW for a duck.Matty contributed 23 and Phil 24 but it took a late order rally from Danny W 24 noot oout and t'Fireman 20 t'guide t'team t'178 off 45 overs.Wadey booled like a man possessed, well more possessed than normal, opening up with 3-13 off 7 as he made inroads int'top order.Elton started a recovery but t'introduction o't'Kiwi and Matty saw that this didn't progress too far with three wickets apiece. Danny W finished t'match with two catches off t'Kiwi as t'Valers were all oout for 126.

TD returned from his European sojourn but before t'Secretary 'ad chance t'talk t'im t'fiancee 'ad verbally accosted him regarding t'fact that t'Sage had besmearched her beloved and that TD 'ad left diesel in t'container. As usual t'Secretary skilfully defused t'situation by subtly asking her how far doon her tan went.

c T'Sage 1/8/11

2011 SUMMER SAGE:PART 14:1sts CONTINUE RUN/MASTERMIND DANNY/DIESEL GOES AWOL

T'firsts increased their undefeated run t'four with a winnng draw against Ashton. Batting first, a workmanlike performance saw t'team through t'183-9. T'Master Chef made a soolid 30 and Fatboyslim 29 but it was left to t'Kiwi 39noot oout and noomber 11 Marcus 11not oout t'put on a crucial last wicket partnership which eventually proved t'be a match decider. In reply, Fireman Steve led t'attack with 4-52 as t'others chipped in with a wicket a piece as t'Ladysmiths ended on 173-9. It has t'be reported that some o't' missed chances in t'field were dollies, especially Francis at slip and Marcus bemoaned t'absence of t'Pink Blur as Phil missed 3 stumpings off him.

T'rain curtailed t'20/20 with t'Totty booys on 145. T'Millers start their batting this Friday.

T'preliminary round of t'Millers Mastermind competition, designed t'weed oout t'runts o't'litter, 'ad its first faller when Danny W thoought t' Pied Piper of Hamlyn drowned t'rats in t'River Thames.

El Presidente was decidedly unimpressed with TD as not only 'ad he skivved orf t'sunnier climes, but 'ad left no diesel in t'mowers nor any in t'can. T'incident will be added t'long list of disciplinary matters,caused by t'influence o't'fiancee, which will b'discussed at t'next cooommmittee meeting.

Glassback Shaky was another decidedly unimpressed havin' spent t'today clearing t'weeds and such like from t'parkin' area. No one toold 'im t'bulldozer was due t'next day t'do t'job properly.

c T'Sage 24/7/11

2011 SUMMER SAGE: PART 13: 1STS GAIN THIRD SUCCESSIVE WIN

T'firsts entered unchartered waters as they won for t'third successive week. T'boys from Blackley batted first and t'Man from M&S snaffled two early wickets t'see 'em 26-2. T'introduction o'some class spin saw Marcus gain three wickets t'see t'opposition 99-5. T'opener Rutter held t'side together with79 and eventually t'side succumbed t't'filth o'Fatboyslim 2-3 as they were 163 all out. Francis (42) and t'Master Chef (37) put on 87 for t'first wicket before Francis was booled. T'Chef was lbw again, with t'score on 102. It was left t'Fatboyslim t'guide t'team home with 29 noot oout after t'bruvver and Wadey 'ad gone for low scores. T'seconds' match on t'Sunday was washed oout which was a goood job as 'alf were carryin' hangovers from t'evening b'fore and t'Colonel was a shade of green.

T'boys encamp at Totty's next Friday for a 20/20 game.

c T'Sage 17/7/11

2011 SUMMER SAGE: PART 12: 1STS CRUISE TO WIN AT METHS

T'Valers coouldn't raise a team for t'20/20 so Donna's buns remained in t'freezer until August 5th.T'firsts cantered t'anoother easy win, this time boolin' t'Meths Men oout for 85. T'man from M&S continued his wicket takin' with 3-22 t'make early inroads. T'skipper, havin' waddled in for six overs, then remembered young Danny W was a booler and chucked 'im t'cherry. T'lad goot rid o'his pent up frustration and 'ad an inspired spell of 5-23 off 8.5 oovers as t'Meths Men crumpled t'85. In reply, t'Millers lost early wickets as Francis D went for 5 Fatboyslim 13 and t'Master Chef 12. Fortunately t'Chef's mate is t'skipper so noo doubt he'll b'carried for t'rest o't'season. Matty decided attack was t'only way and smacked 35 t'take T'Millers virtually there until he was booled. T'Kiwi and Phil saw t'innings through t'end and anoother early finish and increase in bar profits.

Young Matty isn't available next week as he's orf t'play for England Physical Disabilities team and we wish him well. T'seconds friendly match against Bury was rained orf so t'Patio Panel lost t'chance t'abuse Ivor Bulge who was being roolled out t'umpire. Mrs TD 'as organised a meetin' on Tuesday at 8.30pm t'discuss t'Fun Day. T'woman is insatible, no wonder TD looks tired these days, and t'make matters worse, she's takin' t'groundsman orf on holiday during t'cricket season. T'is a disgrace and I've toold t'Secretary t'pair need t'be hauled before t'committee.

c T'Sage 10/7/11

2011 SUMMER SAGE: PART 11: SHAMBOLIC YOUTH HAVE NO IDEA OF STRATEGY

Apooloogies t'me readers but needed a week off in Clackheaton t'recharge t'batteries following t'depressing scenes at t'Millers. I coome back t'find t'brainbox of a first team skipper takes a team of nine boolers t'bottom of league Robinsons and leaves t'seconds with two boolers t'face t'league leaders t'Lakesiders. T'mind boggles with t'decisions of t'youth o't'day and just t'proove me point, Robbos were shot out in 22.3 overs with Wade booling ten (5-16) and t''man from M&S nine (2-25).Such was t'class o't'opposition that Phil was getting stuumpings off both opening boolers and young Birty to snaffle four victims as they fell for 56. Twelve overs later t'game was over. T'Master Chef stuggled again with a duck and G'Youngy scraped ten. Matty smacked 16 and Fatboyslim massaged his average with 18 no.

T'lack of frontline boolers had severe repercussions for t'seconds. T'previous week they tied a match which they shoold 'ave won. Having reached t'dizzy heights by amassing 204-5 with Kev 89no, Zorro 31 and young Carl 36, t'sun must 'ave goone t'skipper's head. Westhoughton were 84-6 and then some bizarre choice o'boolers combined with some dreadful fielding which saw at least six chances missed, saw Westhoughton tie t'game as Brummy boy got t'runout t'prevent an embarrassing loss.T'debacle saw t'skipper retreat t'east coast for a rest and Redders had t'job o'tackling t'Lakesiders. He won t'toss which saved a massacre in t'field. T'Millers batsmen got starts but didn't press on except for Dangerous Dave. Now those of us in t'know were severely shocked and suspected unnatural substances were involved as t'man was crashing cover drives for fun in his highest senior knock o'29no. T'only other t'perform was t'Scott man, who crashed 23. He attended winter nets but 'ad t'leave early each week as his mum was always cooking him mash and bangers or steak and kidney pud. T'Scott diet resulted in t'boy changing his car t'a model with a sturdier suspension. T'skipper had a cameo 13 as t'last pair put on 22 t'get t'score t'136 off 35 overs. In reply t'Millers 'ad a sniff with t'Lakesiders 28-2 but two dropped catches didn't help as t'remaining runs were easily gained off 27 overs t'reach 139-2.

Now me regular readers will be wundering what 'as appened t'TD's fiancee, well I'll tell thee.TD's a changed man and t'fiancee has realised that what she's missing all her life is 24/7 work at a cricket club. She's joined t'committee, painted t'club and spends hours on t'internet trawling through pages o'Bury Council documentation in t'fight t'save t'club. T'woman's possessed but that's what TD likes......... allegedly.

T'20/20 starts this Friday with t'lovely Donna getting her buns out t'join t'bangers and burgers at t'BBQ. T'game starts at 6pm on this Friday.

c T'Sage 5/7/11

2011 SUMMER SAGE: PART 10: 1st TROUNCE LEADERS/ANOTHER 2NDS BAT COLLAPSE

'Twas a weekend not t'miss with t'firsts notchin' up a rare win at t'Fothers and t'Colonel and Redders both takin' surprise catches.Fireman Steve (13-7-26-3) and t'man from M&S (2-30)reduced t'Fothers t'84-6 despite Matty being flogged of 46 off 3 overs. A slight recovery to 106-6 was as far as they goot as t'Fireman 'ad a lbw and t'Kiwi toook oonly five balls t'dismiss t'tail end with 3-0. Loud groans eminated from t'Patio Panel as t'information filtered thro' as those in t'know knew this meant earache for t'rest of t'evening as t'Kiwi regailed his efforts in minute detail. In reply, t''skipper and t'Master Chef dispelled all nerves as they put on 76 for t'first wicket before Master Chef was coought. Fatboyslim and Matty didn't last long but Wadey reached his fifty with a six before being lbw. Phil hit a four and t'Kiwi stroke a single to secure t'victory. A weakened Sunday team easily lost by 7 wickets t'Lakesiders. Wadey 27 and Phil 24 saw t'Millers t'68-2 before t'wheels fell off and they were all oout for 110. T'Lakesiders 'ad no troouble smackin' 114-3 off 18 overs t'secure victory.

T'seconds match began with a one minute silence for club life member Brian Greaves. Brian was one of two stalwarts who ran the successful junior section in the 70s/80s.

No umpire turned up but t'calvary arrived in t'guise of Ivor Bulge who offered his services.It 'as t'be said t'man 'ad an excellet match and 'as found his true vocation in life. 'twas a match t'Millers let slip after inserting t'boys from Swinton. Marcus took three wickets in a over t'ave 'em 46-6 including their skipper whom he dismissed using t'Salford Smack technique. This involves booling a full toss which hits t'knackers and whilst t'man struggles t'recover, bool him aroound his legs next ball. However, too much filth was thrown doown including a crucial 13 wides and Swinton escaped. It took two excellent catches t'bring t'boys back int'game. T'Colonel coollapsed in a heap at wide mid-on as t' ball was drilled into his ribs and despite a heavy wheeze, he hung on. T'sight of t'red mark on his lily white chest was not a sight most of us should see. AB gained two further wickets for his 3-31. T'other catch extraordinaire was Redders' backward dive which enabled Marcus t'get what can only be described as a filthy five for. Steve D mopped up t'tail with 2-10. T'Millers got off t'a resonable start and t'Patio Panel rose as one with applause as t'Colonel stroked a drive to score his first run o't'season and thus avoid his fourth duck. He appeared t'be settled as he drove a six but was then booled next ball. Kev smacked 19 he then was coought and except for AB,poor shot selection saw t'team collapse t'79-9.Young Brummy supported AB and got t'score t'96 before one stuck in t'pitch and AB was coought for an excellent 37, but 13 short of being level.

c T'Sage 19/6/11

2011 SUMMER SAGE: PART 9: ANOTHER 1STS DEFEAT AS THEY'RE TAYABED

Another defeat sees t'Millers cascade down t'bottom third of t'league as t'lack of variation in t'attack saw RCC amass 251. T'boundaries were constantly pummeled and a dozen sixes smote. T'first four and six came off Wadey's over and he was sooon out o't'firing line. Fatboyslim's filth was also dispatched and only t'boy from M&S had any early control.Danny W and Matty picked up three wickets apiece t'keep RCC t'190-8. However, t'depth of t'batting saw another 61 smacked until young Birty put an end t'mayhem with 3-45. In reply Franny (19) and Wadey (45) put on 74 for t'first wicket before Wadey fell victim t'first o'four lbws. Only Fatboyslim with 38 made any real contribution as Tayab ploughed through 21.1 overs takin' 6-66 and t'Millers capitulated from 146-5 to 176 all out. 'Tis an all tooo familiar regular event. T'make matters worse, Franny's knee ballooned as he was hit on t'knee by a ball. On t'goood side, it boosted t'club coffers as he chose t'imbibe gallons o't'amber nectar t'ease t'pain.

T'seconds were washed out on t'Sunday and remain in second place in t'league.

c T'Sage 12/6/11

2011 SUMMER SAGE: PART 8: BOTH TEAMS WILT IN THE BLAZING SUN

T'first team score book was eventually found on t'morning o't'match festering in t'Colonel's kit bag. Both teams' batting barely survived thirty overs and two defeats were t'result.Nelly But brought his Totters' team down t'Croft Lane and they ensured they batted steadily for t'forty five overs and reached 161-9. It 'as t'be said that t'Millers 'elped them with a dolly dropped by Fatboyslim and t'Kiwi making noo attempt to go for a catch. Matty 'ad t'best figures o' 3-29 after Wadey 'ad grabbed two early wickets. T'batting reply was poor and t'team never recovered from 54-5. Only Wadey with 30 managed t'stay at t'wicket for any length of time.

T'seconds' battin' frailty was exposed again as they were whipped out for 126. Zorro managed t'get finally get 'is act together as he smote 53 and AB supported 'im with 27 but that was that. It took Mr.Malik only 27 overs t'power his way t'ton in a score of 130-3. Marcus taking 2-34.

c T'Sage 6/6/11

2011 SUMMER SAGE: PART 7: 1ST LOSE / 93-17 ...2NDS SCRAMBLE WIN

El Presidente and T'Sage, we constantly pull oot our 'air as t'youngsters repeatedly fail to listen t'experienced advice we offer. I toold t'Wade thaat he needed t'learn from t'second match o't'season where he changed a winning team and lost. After last week's superb performance t'boy removed t'oldies and lost again, 'tis like pissin' in t'wind. Failsworth amassed 220-9 and t'Millers dribbled t'167. I would like t'give me thooughts on t'match but t'Colonel had t'scorebook and won't answer t'phone, probably still pissed up or in t'hospital.

On a spicy track o'variable boounce, Failsworth ll got off to uneasy start and were 'elped by a Wayne dropped doolly. T'score reached 25-0 when t'wheels fell off. Brummy boy had booled 7 overs for 11 but 'twas AB booling to short legside boundary who excelled with spell o' 15-10-10-4. T'introduction o't'Willett Wobbler saw him rampage thro' t'line up with 6-22. Catches were taken by young Birty and two clos'uns by Zorro and Thommo. Even Wayne clung onto one and t'innings ended with t'Pink Blur snaffling a Willett wobbler t'be 45 all out.

Redders changed t'batting' order and Zorro started cartin' t'ball but still can't resist tryin' t'smack everything. 16-0 went t' 19-3 and 33-3 to 42-7. T'Willett boy has always claimed he's an all rounder, he faced two balls, drove them for a 2 and 4 , game over by 5.30pm.

T'trip t'bank hooliday 40/40 at t'Fothers appeared t'be dull compared t'last year. No ramblin' speech by t'Chairman who managed t'leave t'Fothers uninjured. Report next week when me spies inform me o'proceedings and t'Colonel is tracked doon with t'scorebook.

c T'Sage 31/5/11

2011 SUMMER SAGE: PART 6: GOLDEN OLDIES INSPIRE 1st Xl YOUTH/2nds SLUMP

Havin' battled t'wind t'get t'club t'see t'firsts I thoought I was in some sorta time warp as t'firsts wheeled out t'golden oldies t'play t'Valers, including G.O. number 1 t'semi-retired Pink Blur on his first season's outing. G.O.number 2 Franny whacked a few in a quick fire 25, t'Master Chef was lbw and t'skipper needs t'get t'gym as t'boy creamed a drive which floated in t'wind and was snaffled by a Valer. At 63-3 t'wobbles 'twere setting in especially as Fatboyslim looked vulnerable but t'experience of G.O. number 3 t'Kiwi guided t'lad thro' difficult patch. T'boys put on a valuable 73 but young Gavin was cooght. T'Kiwi reached his fifty with a drive for four, failed t'acknowledge t'Patio Panel's applause and was cooght next ball, serves t'bugger right. Only t'Fireman shone in t'lower order with some glorious cover drives in his score of 23 no. It 'as t'be mentioned that t'Colonel appears t'be in fine form as usual, with his third consecutive duck.Me thinks t'boy is a pot hunter as t'duck trophy awaits him. In t'Valers' reply,t'Millers G.Os inspired t'Fireman and t'Man from M&S as they snaffled early chances. T'Pink Blur snaffled two, Franny took a full length diving slip catch and t'Kiwi cooght a ball he would normally 'ave watched floatin' o'his head. His version of t'event was he leapt in t'air, realised at t'last moment it was viciously swervin' and adjusted t'take it in one hand. T'official version differs somewhat differently.T'Valers were 17-5 but kept on a swingin' but t'Fireman 6-46 and t'Man from M&S 3-27 aided by one from t'Wade, who was knackered after four overs int'wind, ensure t'Valers were dismissed for 84 and an early finish and two jugs.

On t'Sunday Fatboyslim represented t'NMCL in t'fixture v Southport. John Barrow sent email t'Secretary on Sunday evening stating his selection had been vindicated after t'Secretary had questioned t'selection on grounds of insanity.T'only report we 'ave of t'match is Fatboyslim's. It reads:

'I was magnificent and anchored the innings for the top score of 34 in our 157. The NMCL captain, a very fine chap whom I rate very highly, entrusted me to bowl my eight overs which I did for 2-32. This was a key spell in the dismissal of Southport League for 118 and I made myself Man of the Match. Wadey doesn't appreciate my qualities and I think he's a shit captain.'

T'shock of being joint leaders was too much for t'seconds who struggled t'get eleven carcasses on t'field o'play. Swinton Moorside were dismissed for 144 with Joe B takin' an excellent 8-46 whilst Danny W nipped in with 2-43. T'fraility o't'battin' reared it's ugly head again. AB smacked 22 but 49-2 turned into 49-5 and 70-5 into 75-8. T'ability to defend and build an innings 'twis woeful at this level and only t'acting skipper Redders 16 not out, showed an application as t'ship sunk with all around him failing.

T'Sage 23/5/11

2011 SUMMER SAGE: PART 5 : WADEY PERFORMS DIY SURGERY/2NDS JT. LEADERS

T'2nd's zoomed t'top o'league without booling a ball as 7 points were amassed. T'Austerlands lads had t'forfeit owing t'combination o'stag do and t'trip t'final t'see t'Blues end their 35 years o'torment. Let's 'ope 'tis another 35 years before it 'appens again. Sunday's game 'twas washed out.

T'firsts lost oout t'weather.Ashton Ladyboys hit 213-8 but dropped catches, especially two dollies by Fireman Steve, let the score mount. Wadey at last realised he's a medium pacer and came on later to snaffled 5-29. T'Fireman got three but t'boy 'ad t'buy 'em goin' at five an over. Wadey's rugby experience came in handy as Dwayne dislocated a finger. With t'comforting words of 'Don't be a mardy arse' Wadey snapped them back in and then berated t'boy two balls later when he dropped a difficult full length diving catch. In reply, wickets fell in bunches and it didn't help with Wadey and Kiwi getting ducks and Joe B claiming he gotta snorter.Useful thirties from Matty, Franny, Paul and Phil enabled t'boys t'put themselves in a winning position. However,t'loss of six overs meant unnatural thrashing t'no avail and t'lads ended up 182-9 with Phil 32no and young Birty a gritty 0 not out.

Fatboyslim represents t'league team in their annual bash with t'Southport Districton Sunday. T'boy's in fine form 'aving scored 1 and 0 this season.

c T'Sage 17/5/11

2011 SUMMER SAGE: PART 4 : MARCUS GETS A MAIDEN, PRODICAL SON RETURNS

T'firsts cantered t'easy win on t'Saturday as Matty mauled Blackley's boolers t'hit a jug evasion 91.T'boy seems t'be under t'impression he can swan off t'play for England at Hove, hit 51 not out, and then coome back t'proper cricket and smack a breezy 91 without any thoought of his team mates' thirst. T'booy needs a good slappin'.

Joe B and t'Master Chef partnership didn't last long as t'Master Chef appears more adept at cookin' a duck than avoiding one. Joe B anchored t'reply with a gritty 18 not out off 27.4 overs. T'was goood t'see someone battin' like Sir Geoffrey as it's a rarity in t'firsts. He and Matty put on 106 for second wicket befoe Matty was caught behind. Fatboyslim got a duck and t'Kiwi came in hit 20 not out to guide t'team to victory at 139-3. Earlier in t'match t'Blackley booys had coollapsed from 104-4 to 137 all out. T'Kiwi with 3-7 and offie Joe B 3-26 aided by two wickets from Master Chef accounted for their 136 dismissal.

On t'Sunday t'firsts entertained our Asian friends from T'Fothers in t'first roound of t'cup. T'usual mayhem ensued as sixes reigned as t'Fothers recovered from 18-3 to 272 all out with 20 balls unused. Paul H and Wadey took three a piece and Joe B two. 'Twas goood t'see t'return of Franny who appears t'ave spent t'last two seasons at t'Latvian circus improvin' his jugglin' act which was extremely impressive with three somehow caught. T'reply was steady with Joe B 27 and t'Master Chef 9 and Matty 4. Wadey upt'tempo with 37 but it was Franny with 76 not out who cemented t'middle order. Phil was run out for 24 and Paul smacked 17 but t'push came too late and t'team finished on 209-5.

T'seconds lost by 15 runs on a very spoorty track.T'match was reduced t'forty overs and AB booled throughout takin' 4-63 and t'skipper Marcus took three wickets as Farnworth SC reached 145-9. Some goood fielding was highlighted by Louis Brum's diving catch which surprised him as much as it did his team mates.T'top order folded like t'perverbial pack o'cards and were 14-6. Such is t'annual pressure on t'second team skipper t'carry t'team that saw young Marcus launch int'a frenzied attacked. No one supported t'boy except for t'extras (31) and number 11 Redders whose dour defence amassed 10 not out, which enabled Marcus t'hit his first ever fifty. He was eventually booled for 60 with t'score on 130.

c T'Sage 8/5/11

2011 SUMMER SAGE: PART 3 : FIRST'S HAMMERED/ SHITEFEST AT AUSTERLANDS .............................................2NDS SUFFER CUP HAMMERING

Noobody listens t'advice of us experienced cricketers. Doon't change a winning team I says last week but Wadey did and Fatboyslim contributed a magnificent one. T'fielding was atrocious with at least seven dropped catches and some woeful booling which lacked variation and coontrol. T'Meths hammered 241 with only Paul H cooming out with any credit (4-31). In reply, t'top four were in t'hutch for 28 and only t'veteran Kiwi with 42 cooming t'terms with t'booling. In fact t'top partnership came with t'tenth wicket with Danny W and Dwayne hitting 39 of which Danny scored 32.

I thoought t'days of Redders' slow medium paced filth was locked in t'club's archives, but no, new skipper Marcus opened t'booling with him. T'wind must'ave affected t'Austerlands boys as Redders snaffled two early wickets thus preventing t'skipper ordering him t'take t'sweater. Andy B booled well at t'other end with little luck other than t'two wickets. Austerlands 55-8 and Redders 5-47. T'game never ceases t'amaze me. T'skipper's leggers bamboozled Austerlands and they were all out 94. T'skipper's wife was frozen in t'scorebox and was less than pleased when t'umpires called for immediate turned around, so no cuppa t'warm t'frozen hands. T' Colonel with a duck and Zorro with 9 gave Austerlands early hope but Kevin D 29 and Andy B 38 scored t'bulk of the runs as t'Millers cruised t'an easy win.

Me words of wisdom at Croft Lane is like pissin' in t'wind. When any first teamer coomes into seconds he's shite and so it proved in t'cup on Sunday. Danny W contributed nothing with bat and ball and t'Kiwi a third ball duck but managed two wickets. Failsworth rattled up 216 with Gaz Young 4-48 and two wickets for t'skipper and Redders. Noobody supported Gaz who scored 49 and it was oonly a tenth wicket partnership of 49 with t'skipper that took t'score to 131.

c T'Sage 1/5/11

2011 SUMMER SAGE: PART 2 : Can't change a winning team eh Gav/Bostik baffled.

Thou knoows that t'first match of t'season is noted for t'soound of leather on willow and t'smell of new mown grass. Not at t'Millers where t'smell of puke from Wadey (genuinely ill) and t'Kiwi (hangover) rented t'air. As usual, t'first team was weakened with four boys not available, and vice captain Fatboyslim would appear t'be spending next Saturday playing with his little Oscar as t'skipper tempted not t'change a winning team. T'poor boy is also starred, so caan't play for t'seconds. Not that t''Seconds would want him anyhow as past performances for t'team 'twere shite. Net sessions had goone well and an unheard of proofit was made. T'new sightscreens where wheeled out, freshly painted by TD and t'fiancee. T'poor girl didn't realise that takin' on Tel meant she became assistant groundsman as well.

Robinsons woon t'toss and batted and eased t'102-1 before t'wheels fell off t'be 136 all out.Master Chef Joe S's medium paced filth (5-18) accounted for t'collapse and he was supported by Matty and Joe B with two wickets apiece. It wud 'ave been quicker had t'ill skipper not dropped a dolly and misfielded one for four. El Presidente gave a 'alf time Fergie talk aboot how t'bat sensibly.T'two Joes put on 61 for first wicket before t'Master Chef was out for 32 followed by Joe B 23. Debutant Kevin 'Soon of Dod', whose magnificent debut gave much encouragement t'rest of club's shite batsmen, ran himself oout for a duck and so at least goes t'top of t'duck table. 64-3 saw t'Kiwi join Matty and theey put on a quick 41 before Matty was caught behind. Phil Party had a short stay for 6 but t'Kiwi 34no and t'skipper saw the score to 136-5. With one run to win Wady received a double nay treble boouncing ball. Unfortuately, baffled Bostik Barrow appeared unaware of t'new ball rule but Wadey played a classic forward defence. Fair dooes t'Bostik as he appears t'ave read t'rule book over t'winter as he actually gave t'boys two lbws. T'first ball of next over t'Kiwi hit a six. 142-5 off 31.1 overs, job done, El Presidente happy for once.

c T'Sage 24/4/11

2011 SUMMER SAGE: PART 1 : Pre-season assessment

1st team : shite

2nd team: shite

Well that wasn't difficult was it. T'firsts will do t'usual thing and finish mid-table with 'em bottlin' out t'better teams. T'seconds will do well to stay in t'Division 3 'aving been relegated last year.

Well whood 'ave thoought it, back by demand, it's amazing 'ow t'boys enjoy being abused.So what's been 'appening at t'club? T'Chairman and t'Secretary 'ave been 'eavily involved in t'fight t'save t'club from t'Developers. El Tel 'as lost some of his David Dickinson tan but 'as managed t'keep hold of t'fiancee during t'winter season by ensuring his machinery is well oiled. T'Treasurer's been back t'electrical school and now 'as a piece o'paper saying he knows what he's doing. Oppy's volunteered to lend his various thermals t'any second teamer going t'Austerlands in April. Unfortunately t'offer 'ad t'be rejected as April t'early as t'thermals would still b'in quarantine. Dangerous is still with t'female pool maestro but it's seriously affected his ability t'perform with t'cue. Matty continues t'spend weekends at Loughboro' with t'England squad. It's been an education for t'lad as he didn't realise that there was life outside of Bury. Redders is attempting t'master t'square cut in order t'increase his run rate from one t'two runs per 'our. Dwayne's attempting t'create a cricket team of his own kids and t'Colonel continues t'talk bollocks. El Presidente continues t'lambast all those who 'aven't turned up t'working parties on Saturdays,Keith is still doing t'planting and t'pink blur 'as retired and will only play when short, which means every blooody week.. So basically, there's little change t'inmates at t'asylum.

c T'Sage 13/4/11

WINTER SAGE: PART 6 : THERMALS REQUIRED/OLD SKILLS GETTING LOST

Thoought I'd pen a quick passage on t'situation so far, post Oz trip. With t'wily old skip Nigel relinquishing t'2nd team captaincy I'd serious concerns over young Marcus' ability t'cope with t'intricacies of t'art. T'boy 'as fallen at t'first hurdle with t'first task of attending fixtures night. T'Austerlands game away had been nicely embedded in mid July.For those of us in t'know a good decision by Bostik but t'fallow youth 'twas unaware Austerlands is t'highest ground in t'country. He succumbed t'Austerlands approach and agreed t'move it t'April 30. This 'ull coome back t'haunt 'im as he loses a spinning finger t'hyperthermia. I think it would be wise for me t'do a pre-season article on t'benefits of wearing thermal underwear as t'youngsters ain't got a clue. Ivor Bulge 'as already offered his various pairs for hire but no amount of t'biological detergent 'as removed t'heavily ingrained streaks. Those of you in t'know also recognise t'dark arts of keeping t'various items of pre-historic equipment running at t'club.No one 'as t'ability of t'brown envelope warrior t'tickle t'mowers t'spark 'em into life following hours of abuse and branch thrashing from TD. Unfortunately these arts will be lost if not written down for posterity as t'BEW is now suffering from bouts of amnesia. A classic example occurred on Tuesday night as TD and young Mark battled away trying t'remove t'empty gas cylinder from t'heater.T'BEW stated it was easy t'last time he did it but couldn't remember how he did it. Fortunately TD eventually whipped it off somehow. For those of you interested in t'gossip, TD and t'fiancee still going strong. There's no connection 'tween t'last two statements.

It's that time of t'year t'start getting your backside down t'club on a Saturday afternoon t'do t'necessary pre-season work. I shall name and shame t' boogers who don't attend at least once.

c Sage 9/2/11

SAGE SHANE : PART 3 - DEEP DEPRESSION MATE /GREAVO GAINS AN OSCAR

G'day yeh pommey baastards and gud riddence. Severely thraashed in the Aashes and now you'vve nicked the first 20/20. Gee the country is in mouuurning and even Rolf H's didgeridoo can't briing a smmile. I believe your boys maanaged to get back to Oz deespite causing chaaos at Adelaide airport. Somehow they mannaged to avoid the check-in desk and got straaight to haand luggage section whereupon they were told their cases were too heavy, and told to faack off and do it properly.T'Sage informs me Steptoe speent most of the flight asleep but true to form TD took advantage of the free nectar and downed 40+ tinnies. At arrivals TD received a rapturous reception from t'fiancee, Pam told Steptoe to get in the car. TD was baack at the club the next Tuesday night but Steptoe hasn't been seen since, siting long term jet lag as an excuse. I'm also informed that Sarah sprogged and Fatboyslim, not used to winning things, called it Oscar, sounds like an o.g. to me.

c Sage Shane 14/1/11

SAGE SHANE : PART 2 - HOW D'YOU CONTROL TD ON A 36 HOURS CELEBRATORY BINGE?

G'day yeh pommey baastards. Ned Kelly, Dame Edna, Skippy, Rolf Harris, Shane Warne, you took a hell of a beating.Geez, you murdered us for five days and not eeven rain could help us. It took until day 4 of the Test for the flaag to be seen despite the Secretary repeatedly texting Steptoe that it wasn't viiisible. The rumour was that yor boys were actually holed up in some Raadcliffe pub and hadn't made the triip.The meeting with Ozzie Wayne has failed to maaterialise as he's not answering his phone. It hasn't helped that Steptoe has left a repeated rant/text of how shit the Aussies are. Three hours after Swann had bowled Siddle, the rain and thunder/lightning caame. To rub saalt into the wound the dynamic duo joined 500 other Barmy Army supporters in blocking roads in pouring rain doing a poor imitation of Gene Kelly's 'Singing in the Rain', you beaute.The Oz police were not aamused. Steptoe's seriously concerned about the next 36 hours, before they fly home Thursday evening, about how he's going to supervise TD. At least he's got a choice of 749 churches to seek divine guidance. Whether the true story of what the two did when not at the cricket will ever emerge is still to be seen. They arrive back Saturday where not doubt the Treasurer will begin a detailed debrief whilst trying to avoid questions on whether the milk round is still in one piece.

c Sage Shane 7/12/10

SAGE SHANE : PART 1 - WHERE'S THE FLAG?

G'day yeh pommey baastards from maarvellus Brisbaane, the land of the banana benders. Gez, how did you lot maanage to score 517-1 when you normaally collaapse like a paack of caards. I've been giving the boys some culturaal aadvice, maainly how to combine drinking the amber nectar,smoking the duffies, whilst simultaaneously striking up conversation with the sheeilas and fighting off the mozzies. Wee've aapproached the situaation which you poms might understand if I saay 'Where's Waally?' Despite texting the boys about where to position the flaag, I didn't see it. The question I ask is whether the boys were actually there? They maintaain the Baarmy Arrmy transport them to and from the gaame so they caan't ave got lost. So we're off to Adelaide where no doubt the boys will visit some of the 749 churches in the city.

c Sage Shane 30/11/10

WINTER SAGE: PART 5: T'BOYS' TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS IN GETTING TO OZ

Steptoe's body managed t'hold itself together so t'intrepid twosome made their way t'airport at tea time on Saturday. There was much wailing and tears as TD and t'fiancee said goodbye and tears of joy from Pam, secure in t'knowledge that she would 'ave three weeks of peace and quiet t'look forward to without t'invalided hypochondriac around. T'Secretary 'as wasted no time and is currently pastoralling both ladies.

Steptoe had made t'interesting decision t'travel in his Man City outfit seemingly unaware that t'security checks on football fans were intense. Luck was not on Steptoe's side as his chosen x-ray machine bleeped 'im and he encountered a 'red' customs official. T'decision t'berate t'man about t'filthy red scum, and that t'bleep was a 'set-up' didn't go down too well. ' as t'official ordered a strip search. Steptoe squealed that it would take an hour t'take off his shirt and it didn't help matters that TD, in hysterics, reminded t'man not t'forget t'check Steptoe's orifices.

T'boys took t'brave decision t'do t'journey without nicotine patches. T'first stage, Manchester t'Dubai was about six hours. Five hours in t'flight Steptoe ordered a drink only t'be told they were free on t'flight because of t'problems they'd with Qantas. Five hours of drinking time lost but t'boys made up for it on t'thirteen and a half hours flight from Dubai to Brisbane as they drank t'plane dry of caans. T'only problem they'd was in Dubai where they found a smoking lounge but it required them t'spend a certain sum. T'four pints they'd cost 'em £40.

T'boys arrived in Brisbane in t'rain. Steptoe and TD were pleased with themselves and Steptoe told TD that perhaps they could give up t'fags....TD's reply is unprintable. They made their way t'Barmy Army hostel only t'find they were t'first ones there as t'backbackers were packing up t'go. Steptoe then encountered what was going t'be a daily problem, extricating TD from a bar. Eventually t'task was achieved so that they could wander around and get their bearings. Believe it or not, they came across a drinking hole called 'Sage'.

This is me last article as I'm passing over t'rest of t'tour encounters t'me distant cousin in Oz, Shane.

c T'Sage 22/11/10

WINTER SAGE: PART 4 : HONEYMOON IN A&E/ T'CHAIRMAN'S LONG LOST LOVE CHILD FOUND

T'article this week will leave more questions than answers for you t'mull over thro' t'winter. Zorro finally wed t'missus who ended up in t'A&E on t'honeymoon. T'mind boggles as t'what our superhero was up t' , but both are keeping quiet.

There'a serious concern regarding t'Chairman who,in his unshaven state, has taken on t'appearance of Albert Steptoe. T'final indignation came last Friday when t'Treasurer was 'elping him collect t'milk money. An old dear kindly asked young Mark whether t'Chairman,hunched up in t'van, was his father. T'Treasurer, for once, was lost for words but had t'apologise t'old dear for t'wet patch he'd just left on t'floor.

And so t'TD. For our younger readers, this next bit will be a template t'check how much influence t'female sex has 'ad upon you. For t'purposes of t'article, t'lady in question will be referred to as t'fiancee. TD has obviously gained much confidence as t'fiancee has been displayed at t'last two social events. T'first question is why would such an attractive lady be interested in TD? Is it his gift of t'gab, his rugged looks or t'magnetic personality? Nah, me thinks he invited her down t'his groundsman's container t'look at his selection of machinery and attachments. Apparently t'smell of diesel oil does something t'a female. There's been a noticeable improvement in TD's attire (influence 1). He's had an extra short haircut (influence 2). Unfortunately it's left a bar code across t'back of t'next where t'sun didn't reach. He's dusted down his passport as he'd thought it was needed t'leave t'Radcliffe boundary to go shopping in Bury with t'fiancee (influence 3). Ivor Bulge had a shock when he was interupted by a knock on t'door as he was about t'peruse his daily slot on Sky Channel 955. T'fiancee wanted entry t'TD's flat to clean and sanitise it (influence 4). TD's happier at work (influence 5) and influence 6.....t'milkman informs me t'regular daily order has been punctuated with 'milk not required today' notes.

Next week: T'boys leave for Oz ...full story as t'tour diary begins.

c T'Sage 15/11/10

WINTER SAGE : PART 3 : DYSLEXIC COLONEL AND T'CHAIRMAN BECOMES A MEDICAL CELEBRITY

Refreshed after me charabanc tour of t'northern slag heaps I returned t'find t'Colonel employed in t'art of sewing t'flag for TD. Unfortunately this painstaking job, made more difficult by t'thin cheap material flag TD had bought, had to be redone. T'Colonel, still suffering deep depression from another crap season with t'bat and in t'field, was under t'impression he played for ELMP CC. T'resewn flag was on display in t'club house on bonfire night and reads...T'PATIO PANEL ELPM CC ON TOUR....... As me articles are copywrited I expect a hefty payment from t'club t'arrive soon.

T'Chairman rolled up t'his latest medical appointment only to be surrounded by enthusiastic medical students. Apparently some had been waiting hours to see our Chairman's X-ray as t'size of t'gap 'tween bones in his break was unheard of.One young filly enquired of our illustrious Chairman "Mr.Kilcoyne, for my notes, would you please tell me how you sustained your injury?" T'Chairman responded eloquently 'I was pissed'.

A large crowd attended t'successful bonfire night. A guy had been made up of all t'old cricketing gear left around, including a wig, and had been taped t'chair. Once placed on t'fire t'guy suddenly fell head first ont' ground with some wag asking whether it was related t'Chairman.

Next week: TD sniffs out an early Sheila.

c T'Sage 7/11/10

WINTER SAGE : PART 2 : MEDICAL UPDATE AND TOUR AGENDAS

Before t'discussion on t'tour agenda I need t'update me readers on t'medical situation of some of t'committee. T'President has had his cataracts done and is now able t'see properly and had a shock when he first saw t'wife again. T'old boy's in a buoyant mood stating no Division 3 booler will be able t'contain him and he'll show t'shit second teamers how t'bat. Next appointment he 'as is with t'psychiatrist as he apparently suffers from delusions of grandeur. T'Chairman is continuing t'recover slowly, t'barometer of improvement is shown by t'increasing about of abuse young Mark is getting doing his good samaritan work. T'Treasurer has had t'medical contraption removed but t'angle is still not within t'ICC's 15 degrees.His one man show on t'whole injury, from start to finish, starts this Tuesday at 8pm and part 2 concludes on Saturday, expect a late night.

And so back t'tour. T'agenda is still rather vague and is subject t'continual change depending upon t'fitness of our dynamic duo. There appears t'be a big difference in t'way t'boys will spend t'time away from t'cricket. Killer has gone for t'cultural option, which before t'injury included sea fishing, exploring t'Barrier Reef and exploring t'area. TD has gone for redneck option........bars and sheilas. Whilst Killer is laid up, TD is practising hard for his option as he attempts to beat David Boon's tinnies record on a one way flight.

c T'Sage 4/10/10

There will be no report next week as the Sage is off recharging the acidity in his batteries.

WINTER SAGE : PART 1 : PREPARATION FOR OZ

T'dynamic duo, once deciding it was a now or never situation to go t'Oz targetted t'first two tests in Brisbane and Adelaide.

T'success of a good trip is meticulous planning and so t'discussions took place. . A mole has secreted t'following planning schedule t'me which t'boys wrote on t'back of a fag packet. It 'as been translated int'English and set out in a proper manner by myself t'reflect t'long hours of discussion between t'two pioneers.

As of Sept 27 Killer has completed jobs 1-14...........................................As of Sept 27 TD has completed job 1

c T'Sage 27/9/10

ARTICLE 29: SNIPERS STAND DOWN /FINAL GRIM ASSESSMENT

Apologies t'me regular readers for t'lateness of t'article but 'ad t'get latest update on t'Chairman. Following Monday's visit t'docs t'snipers have been stood down as t'break appears t'b'mending itself. 'twill save t'NHS budget as t'only dart they found t'penetrate t'scrawny arse was t'expensive ones used for t'rhinos.Despite ordering t'wife not t'attend t'consultation with t'doc Pam completely ignored him as she thought t'pertinent question would not be asked...and how right she was. Given t'opportunity by t'doc t'raise any points t'Chairman declined as he was intending going t'Oz whatever t'situation. However, t'wife intervened and t'doc took a deep intake of breath when t'question was asked. It would appear that he's made it with two weeks t'spare.T'Chairman managed an appearance at t'club on Tuesday evening. T''committee meeting was half way through t'agenda when t'group thought some disorientated tramp had wandered int' place but it turned out t'Chairman hadn't shaved for some weeks. T'Colonel spent t'rest of t'evening being t'Chairman's bitch as he was repeated requested t'get t'Chairman more caans . It would appear cider,curry and cocodamol now form a major part of t' Chairman's diet. For some reason young Mark doesn't appear too keen t'go on t'dogs trip. T'Chairman says he's recently been getting plenty of practice sprinting from t'alsations and such is his level of fitness, he's considering entering him in t'7.30 at Belle Vue.

When I looked at t'initial draft of me assessment of t'season it was just one vitriolic outburst of abuse towards each player so I decided t'look at t'team in general. T'firsts finished joint 6th and were knocked out in first round of cup. T'team lacked consistency, both in availability for selection and performance. T'team tended t'perform well against similar and lower opposition, but they put up little resistance against t'top four. Very few batsmen were prepared t'graft and so there was no base t'build from. T'booling was too similar and lacked a quality strike booler and spinner. T'wicket keeping was badly hit by availability and split between four players, whilst t'fielding also displayed a serious lack of consistency. In me opinion, based on a wealth of experience, for t'2011 season, t'team needs t'draft in at least three batsmen, two quality boolers and a wicket keeper.

T'seconds were relegated, winning only two matches, and were knocked out in cup first round in a bool off. T'team suffered for a number of reasons. Each week there were usually two first teamers not available and this made t'batting woefully weak. Only one player passed 200 runs and there was only one fifty scored. Most of t'rest struggled t' stay at t'crease for any length of time t'build an innings. Most of t'clubs pace boolers were in t'firsts so t'attack was powerpoof and realied very heavily on t'legger's 55 wickets and t'pink blur's 31 victims. T'fielding was generally abysmal and t'real worry was t'performance of t'young'uns who don't appear t'be making any progress in batting,booling or fielding. Hopefully relegation will be a blessing and an influx of new first teamers int'team will release some of t'first team who are past their sell by date.

It's not all doom and gloom as t'off-field activities have resulted in an excellent season and t'club is in a healthy financial situation.

Next week we start part one of a fifteen weekly travelogue which follows t'exploits of t'dynamic duo as they invade Oz and attempt t'drink Queensland and Victoria dry.

T'Sage 22/9/10

ARTICLE 28: 1st TEAM CRUISE T'WIN AS WILLETT TAKES 5 / CHAIRMAN 'OFFICALLY BLIND'/WINTER SAGE

T'skipper Wady won t'toss and inserted t'Meths men on a green TD track. T'warm up was impressive as Danny W dropped a skyer in front of t'face which left a rosy mark. WLM were soon in trouble as they took on Carl's arm and lost. Wady got some away movement and was rewarded with a wicket. Danny W struggled t'control t'off cutter as WLM reached 25-1 but managed t'get one t'lift which had Taylor caught behind and then proceeded to reek carnage as WLM crimbled t'25-6. Mr.Patel then pasted Willy all around t'ground as he booled two overs of dross. Danny W took care of him with a fortunate lbw to 'ave figures of 5-25, a shock t'everyone who witnessed t'event. T'remaining batters appeared intent on hitting t'cow corner, something which young Nigel spotted early on and Wady placed himself there t' take t'two catches off Joe S, t'first with a magnificent catch falling backwards. Gavin picked up a wicket as Willy snaffled a dolly off him at mid wicket. 93 all out.

Willy and Gavin opened in order t'get their 500 for t'season. Willy needed 27 and smacked 26 in boundaries for a score of 30 and Gavin took some time t'reach t'seven he needed. Willy was booled for 30 out of 39-1 and this would normally be t'start of a collapse. Not this time as Wady had picked t'second team skipper who was solid as a rock. He and Gavin took t'score t'85 before Swanton's short and wide booling saw Gavin caught at mid on for 35 and Nigel at deep point for 18 with t'score on 91. Shaky came in and was dropped at slip first ball and somehow managed t'see t'over out. 'Twas left to Phil to guide to ball through slip to secure t'winning runs.

With t'game finishing at 5pm much discussion and drinking took place. T'only sensible decision made was to organise a club outing t'Belle Vue to t'dogs for Saturday October 2nd. Contact Wady if interested in going.

T'20/20 final went as predicted with Elton Vale cruising to 39 runs victory. EV amassed 190-6 with t'Kiwi taking 3-27. ELPM collapsed to 52-6 but some respectability was given t'occasion as t'skipper Wady smacked a 50 and t'Kiwi 28 not out as t'Millers finished on 151-7.

T'Duckless Wall: The following magnificent three failed to score a duck: Mike H, Young Nigel, TD

Chairman Watch: Rumour has it that two one armed bandits were seen in Primark purchasing a pair of pasley pyjamas. Could t'knife and t'Chairman's body be meeting at last. Snipers are on 24 hours alert and 'ave been practising trying t'hit a small scrawny arse on t'move. T'Chairman found out this week that t'Authority's data bank 'as him listed as a blind milkman. This would explain a lot.

Next week . T'Sage will give his end of season thoughts and advice t'players.

EXCLUSIVE......................EXCLUSIVE..........................EXCLUSIVE............................EXCLUSIVE.................

Keep in contact with t'ELPM website through out t'winter.........T'Sage has been exploring his ancestry and discovered a cousin five times removed in Oz who's agreed to monitor Killer and TD on tour. There will be weekly reports as our intreped twosome hit Oz. T'build up will start on Monday Sept 27.

T'Sage 13/9/10

ARTICLE 27: BOTH TEAMS THRASHED/ T'PATIO PANEL WELCOME BACK BOSTIK (Sept 4)

After t'excitement of last Sunday's revelry at t'Fothers this week was somewhat of a let down as both teams suffered very heavy defeats. 'Twas the first time this season that t' seconds were still batting when t'first team arrived back. T'shambolic day began with Shaky turning up, having not been selected, saying he'd forgotten t'scrub his name off t'unavailablity sheet and he'd told Wadey he was available. Wadey hadn't a clue . T'Colonel was dispatched t'seconds which now had 12 players. T'firsts hadn't a scorer either as t' Treasurer sulked at home and ignored Wadey's texts because he wanted t'score for t'seconds at home and not travel t'Fothers. Lee W was dishing out his usual stream of abuse as Wady grabbed him and let him know he was t'token scorer. T''poor boy hadn't a clue how t'do t'job let alone spell scorer. As usual t'mess was left t'young Nigel to sort out. Fortunated Zorro dropped out to let t'Colonel play whose magnificent contribution was another duck. T'firsts were dismissed for 76 with five ducks. Only two scores of 20 plus-Joe S 26 and extras 23.In reply, t'Fothers needed only 29 balls to smack 78 - seven sixes and six fours. Paul H grabbed two wickets (2-0-37-2) and it was left t'Shaky t'end proceedings with his looping leggers, t'first turned but three of t'next four were dispatched for six.

T'seconds bowled badly, fielded atrociously and dropped six catches in t'process then batted disgracefully as they ended their season relegated. Fothergills amassed 300-6 with Marcus 4-113 and Ashley B 2-49. Marcus had a total of 56 wickets for t'season and was t'only player t'pass 20. Only t'retiring skipper put up an form of resistance and his 31 out of 78 meant he was t'only player t'score 200+ runs for t'season, .......and these facts sum up t'problem t'team had. T'Patio Panel, swelled by t'firsts, ensured that Bostik was made t'feel welcome as they continued t'advise him about t'wide ball rule and how t'signal it.

Such is t'concern in t'club for t'welfare of its members that it was not surprising that as t'Chairman couldn't attend, TD and young Mark took it upon themselves to call on him at home to offer their sympathy and t'wish him a speedy recovery. For some unknown reason t'Chairman didn't appear very pleased t'see them.

It 'as t'be reported that some damage was done t'club very late last August Sunday. T'pizza man arrived with two young ladies who were desperate for t'loo. T''Kiwi volunteered to show them t'way only t'trip over t'heater cable and rip t'plug socket off t'wall. Sometimes it doesn't pay t'be a gentleman.

T'Duckless wall - of t'main players Mike H, Terry B and young Nigel still duckless as t'season's count is now at any all time high of 76

T'Sage 6/9/10

ARTICLE 26: CRICKET TAKES BACK SEAT AS CHAIRMAN ENDS UP IN A&E . (Aug 30)

T'weather took charge on Saturday with t'seconds' game abandoned without a ball being booled. T'firsts found t'opposition seemingly only interested in improving their personal stats as t'ball spent more time out of t'ground (20 sixes) than in. Elton Vale smacked 295-4 in 34 overs which included eight appalling dropped catches, three by young Carl, before declaring. T'fragile Millers batting stumbled as Joe S pouched a duck, Joe B 5 Gavin 8 but Shaky still there at end on 15no as rain came with score on 33-3.

Ivor's suspect captaincy and organisation was there for all t'see as t'day began with him only finding ten players to go t'Fothergills. T'top order produced t'goods with t'Kiwi 40, Lowey 24 and a return from injury by t'Colonel who scored 38.T'wheels fell off when young Mark H gave Wadey out LBW for 0 and 118-2 resulted in 124 all out in 20 overs and Ivor batted himelf too low as he was on t'pop. T'Fothers took their time including an indecent respect for Ivor's booling, I mean 5-1-10-0 'tis ridiculous but they eventually cruised t'six wickets win with t'Kiwi taking 2-21. It's also worth noting that t'skipper Ivor Bulge managed t'collapse at slip and hang on to one of two catches offered to him.It was just a case of gambling on which of t'two balls he saw was t'real one.

Now I know thou'st only interested in t'circumstances of t'Chairman's demise but I feel a full report is necessary. For those of you who 'ave difficulty in reading and understanding anything other than t'tabloids, t'basics were, in chronological order:

1. Chairman paralytic

2. fell outside Fothers' club and hit head on concrete

3. unconscious

4. photos taken for website

5. very basic medical assistance given

6. carried to coach

7. taken to hospital in morning by Pam

8. left arm broken in two places

9. hospital check next Monday and possible operation

Now thou has t'curtail t'laughter 'as this is a serious situation. T'Secretary is worried as accidents occur in threes and t'Chairman and t'Treasurer both 'ave serious left arm injuries. It has t'be said that t'Chairman was only doing his duty in fraternizing with t'opposition in a situation of 'entente cordiale'. T'Chairman was blissfully unaware for half t'evening that his ELPM cap had been replaced with a Thomas t'Tank Engine one. T'Secretary, in 'is pastoral role, contacted Pam t'enquire aboot t'situation. She declined t'give a quote for t'Sage on t'grounds t'wording would be too crude for public consumption. T'Chairman was under t'influence of serious painkilling drugs but declined to make any comment for t'Sage. Please note that pictures will be available in t'club on Tuesday evening.

However, we're still left with t'following intriguing questions:

1. Will t'vet with a tranquillising gun be needed if t'arm needs an op as we all know t'Chairman's aversion t'hospitals?

2. How will t'injury affect t'trip t'Oz.

3. Will Ernie be able t'deliver t'milk?

4. When will we see t'Chairman at t'club again?

5. Will t'Secretary need to pastoralise Pam?

T'Sage 22.8.10

ARTICLE 25: Wherethefookarewe tribe discovered in TD's outfield / Double loss (Aug 22)

T'rumour is that t'outfield only gets cut when TD's 'ad a haircut, in me opinion both need a damn good shearing.

T'seconds lost again despite 'aving two ex-first team batters. Saddleworth t'were inserted and found life difficult as Marcus and Stevie D kept control with t'first 20 overs leaking only 23 runs. T'pink blur missed two early chances when t'ball popped but recovered with three stumpings. Stevie 2-25 off 14 overs sealed one end up but when he got knackered t'Kiwi was unable to maintain t'pressure. Marcus wheeled away with 22 overs 6-74 and Joe B's filth snared t'unlucky Ward especially as t'rank long hop was caught by TD. T'youngsters 'ad no answer to Marcus and at 94-7 t'Millers were in t'hunt, but t'experienced later order guided t' team t'148.In reply, t'Millers reached t'lofty heights of 70-3 but then decided t'emulate England and lost next 7 wickets for 28. T'was t'Kiwi's fault, stumped off t'pie thrower when going nicely on 29 and he received well deserved abuse from t'Patio Panel. His last words t'skipper were 'Sorry but t'booling was too easy'. TD's answer t'long outfield was t'hit bool aerial for his brisk 16 but no one else could stay with t'skipper and following a classic cover drive Lee W was booled with team all out for 98.

T'firsts didn't cause Littleboro' Lakeside too much trouble as they demonstrated their inconsistency with t'bat and capitulated t'85 all out. Joe S 34 anchored t'innings but only Willy S 27 could support him.. T'skipper contributed another fine duck. At least t'booling made t'Lakesiders reply a little uncomfortable.Danny W 2-8 and a wicket for t'skipper had 'em 43-3 but that was t'last sniff and two late wickets, a rare Irongloves stumping off Ashley B and a runout from Benji B were not enough as t'Lakesiders got home with five wickets in t'hutch.

Next Sunday sees t'emergence of Ivor Bulge, providing he can find a clean pair of undies, who is attempting t'captain an eleven at t'Fothergills for t'Arthur Doc Trophy. Time has not been a good friend t'Ivor who claims his best performances occur when he's 'ad a few pints before t'match. As a esteemed member of T'Patio Panel Ivor will no doubt suffer as much abuse this Sunday as he's been dishing out this year. T'bar is situated at deep mid wicket which is where t'pundits expect Ivor t'be fielding, except for t'occasional waddle t'middle t'turn t'arm over. He claims t'be batting at 4 but will probably need a runner as there's no oxygen tent on site.

Medical report: T'Steward is progressing nicely and young Mark's arm contraption indicates a higher degree of movement but t'ICC are concerned t'kink is more than t'allotted 15 degrees and t'boy will 'ave t'attend t'Murali Test Centre if he's t'bool again. T'boy is thinking aboot a future in umpiring and those in t'know will watch his performance with interest next Sunday at t'Fothergills especially as most umpires don't umpire with two caanns in t'pocket.

I've been asked by t'Secretary t'bring up 3 points:

1] T' remind all players that t'league matches for t'rest of t'season start at 1.30pm.

2] There's a Race Night next Saturday

3] If Whispering Bob mentions once again 'Where's me tracky top?' t'Secretary willl lamp him one.

Duck count..........up 5 this weekend t'grand total of 67

T'Duckless Wall of Honour. Mike H, Terry B, Simmo and young Nigel still going strong

T'Sage 22.8.10

ARTICLE 24: Willy hits a big'un as Paul's inspired/ Roytonians relish Redders' relapses (Aug 18)

Apologies t'all of me regular readers for t'lateness of t'article but t'shock of a first team win and t'depression of another heavy second team defeat sent me and t'wife t'Lakes for a bit of r and r . Tried really 'ard t'keep t'wallet tight but t'old gal booled me a google and used t'flexible friend t'purchase a spotted teapot.

T'firsts got off to a ragged start with three early losses but t'inconsistent Willy S just 'ad one of those days and smoted a ton, t'majority of which came in boundaries I presume, as t'scorebook was in as much mess as t'opposition's fielding.Nobody else really helped other than Gavin with a 19 and t'Kiwi with 16, though we were extremely lucky t'witness a rare cameo from Danny W, t'boy's had major fixation with ducks, which saw him 14 not out in a score of 198-9. In reply Blackley were reduced t'81-7 but a late order revival was extinguished by Paul H whose mammoth spell (for him) of 17.2-3-53-7, supported by Willy's 2-18 and Phil P's 3 catches, sorted Blackley out as they finished on 149.

T'seconds wandered off t'play Roytonians 1st team who were second in t'league. Fearing for t'punishment of his fragile team on a warm summer Sunday, t'skipper won toss and batted........game over by 6pm. Only Mike H 34 and Andy Greenwood 23 not out reached double figures and Danny W contributed a magnificent 0 in a score of 88 which contained t'usual five ducks. Early tea, but no actual tea, was taken. T'pink blur was too fast for Roytonians square leg who gave t'stranded opener not out. Lowey took an excellent slip catch but then Marcus weaved his magic and Danny W embarked on a magnificent spell of off and leg cutters. Both batters struggled against both boolers but Redders came t'their aid and helped them through a torrid time with two dropped catches, t'second a dolly at mid on as they reached 92-1.

T'Wall of Honour. As 30 players have accumulated 62 ducks this season 'tis easier for me t'list t'four who are currently duckless......Mike H, Terry B, Simmo and young Nigel.

T'battle of t'bruvvers has died out as Gavin 'as seen off Carl as has Ian with Gary. Both Birty boys can't score a run between themselves which leaves Steve and Danny D, both of whom have had shit seasons with t'bat so we'll call it a day. Less work for me.

T'Sage 18.8.10

ARTICLE 23: SOS FOR BATSMEN (Aug 8)

T'club is sending out a SOS call for batsmen. if you want a change of club there's a place at T'Millers

.Another dismal batting display by both teams again, with t'usual five ducks in t'seconds.Skipper Wadey brought Terry D into t'team to strengthen t'fielding.......t'boy dropped two catches which at least maintained his form from t'previous week in t'seconds. Springhead reached 98-2 but none of t'boolers booled with any control. Willy got t'break through and on 148-6 t'skipper resorted t'mad chef Joe S who snaffled 3-6 which saw Springhead 155. In reply, Shaky was still thinking aboot t'money that 'ad escaped from his wallet on his cruise and was caught for 3. Willy followed for anoother duck and Carl didn't last much longer 9-3. T'Skipper hit a breezy 31 but no one could stay with Joe S who scored 57. Danny W continued his surged t'duck trophy with yet another as t'Millers were all out for 141. Mark H's scoring wasn't up t'his usual OCD level with figures but I've marked him a strong 7 oot o'ten as his first words in t'club were 'Where's t'tippex'.

T'seconds 'ad Littleborough 66-7 but t'slogger hit 43 not out, all on t'leg, and they reached 128. Marcus Y notched up anoother five for with 6-67 with t'aid of t'pink blur and t'batsmen being booled around their legs.Steve D suffered at t'hands of t'slogger with 3-41 and Redders picked anoother jammy wicket up. T'catching was good including Lee W who caught a good'un. T'batting was dismal again but Danny S 23 hit his season best and Danny D 17 at least blocked a few.

Young Nigel is orf t'Taunton so t'usual information which follows my article won't appear this week. He tells me in t'future it'll be quicker t'list those without a duck this season (including himself) than those with and rechisten it T'Wall of Success. Danny W has 6 ducks but Willy S appears determined t'catch him with 4.

ARTICLE 22: THREE HEAVY DEFEATS IN A FORGETABLE WEEKEND (Aug 1)

'twas a shocking weekend with both teams having heavy defeats inflicted upon 'em. T'only thing that changed was t'number of ducks which must be getting towards some sort of record. T'firsts went t'Totts and inserted 'em and held them at t'three quarters stage t'reasonable total with Paul H 4-62 and Wadey 3-35 booling t'brunt of t'overs and Phil P taking four catches. Aaron W dropped his usual catch but unfortunately one of Danny W's overs went for thirty which changed t'complexion of t'game towards t'end and Totts were finally booled out for 190. Cue t'usual batting display as t'Millers were rolled over for 98 with only Wadey 24 and Carl 23 getting established.

T'seconds crumbled t'54 all out against Rochdale 3rds whose two opening boolers would've easily been good enough to open for our firsts. One good catch by Andy G but Terry Dickinson dropped a dolly which he tried t'cover up by diving. So impressive was t'dive that TD's been put on t'short list for GB 2012. On t' Sunday two early dropped slip catches followed by a further two, meant t'Millers were struggling. Littleboro' put on 122 for t'first wicket when Mike H's pies confused Mr Pye and Marcus took a good catch. Kiwi was magnificent on a slow wicket and his rehabililitation under t'guidance of t'skipper was there for all t'see. Kiwi claimed he was flogged senseless but t'skipper took a note of how Killer used t'treat 'im and booled him straight through as he returned figures of 22- 4-60-2, including a leg side stumping by t'pink blur. Marcus returned t'mop up t'later order with t'aid of t'pink blur and Danny S snaffling two close catches as he took 5-89. A score of 198-8 proved too much. T'skipper instructed t'Colonel about how t'be a proper opener and t'use t'opportunity to get some form,and even lent him his bat..How did T'Colonel repay these wise words.....by leaving his one brain cell back in t'pavilion. Having attempted one slog and then been dropped in t'first over, he slogged again in t'second and was caught at mid off. T'skipper came in at 36-3 and held one end and was finally out at 122-7. At t'other end Mike H 24 and Kiwi 19 attacked and then Marcus hit a glorious 27 not out but Danny D couldn't support him and was ironically booled trying t'defend.

T'Wall of Shame......all re-offenders - Willy S, Lee W, Aaron W, Dwayne P, Danny S, Craig H

T'Sage 2/8/10

ARTICLE 21: 1st CRUMBLE T'CATHOLIC CLUB/ 2nd SKIPPER ADMITTED T' CLINIC (July 26)

A weakened Millers team were crushed by t'Catholics whose lower order decimated t'booling. Paul H 4-70 made inroads in t'top order and had restricted RCC to 100-5 but then t'wheels fell off and with t'aid of some questionable field placings, RCC amassed 258-7. T'usual problem then occurred as t'mentally fragile batting failed once against t'top teams, with only Fatboyslim and Joe B showing any desire t'battle it out. Dwayne smashed 16 not out, including his first six, but t'final score of 97,with five ducks, speaks for itself.

'twas a big weekend for t'seconds as they played t'team above and t'team below them in t'battle at t'bottom of t'league. I tried t'contact t'skipper last night but his wife told me that t'stress of skippering t'bunch of wazzocks has resulted in him being forceably admitted t'clinic for battle scarred skippers, where he met Wadey on t'way out. T'wardens, I'm led t'believe, are on 48 hours round t'clock suicide watch. His wife was extremely pissed off as t'police had initially accused her of GBH as t'old man's body was badly bruised from taken t'ball on t'flesh as it ripped through t'surface and spat. It reminded me of t'Brian Close v Michael Holding encounter in t'halicon days of t'seventies. So what caused all this???

T'repeated disgraceful batting performance of some of t'team in both matches (scores 0-5, but mainly 0), that's what.T'would be callous of me t'name and shame so I would ask you t'consult t'second team scorecards t'identify t'culprits. It started so well on t'Saturday as Greenmount were dismissed for 87 off 34 overs. Steve D 3-23 and t'Kiwi stifled t'top order and then Andy B 4-15 and Marcus 2-20 stepped in t'polish them off. T'highlight of t'fielding was t'eighth wonder of t'world as Danny S dived horizonal, I know, it's hard t'believe and I was there, and snaffled t'catch one handed inches from t'ground at point.

T'openers failed yet again, and Andy B, following a series of low scores, has taken t'batting like our friends from t'sub-continent. He crashed 27 and t'Millers were 40-2 off 4 overs, but it didn't last as 45-1 became 54-5. T'skipper came in on t'hatrick and dealt with t'young whippersnapper with some distain. T'Kiwi decided to follow t'AB school of batting and crashed a quick 25 in a partnership of 33 but was out with t'scores level. T'winning leg bye in t'same over saw a rare Millers win in only t'12th over.

On t'Sunday t'skipper won t'toss and inserted Farnworth SC on what turned out t'be a slow track. Marcus took two quick wickets and then another with t'score on 44-3. T'Kiwi used all his experience but never got a ball t'move.Both Leach (84) and Murphy (47) batted well and put on 97 before t'wily skipper introduced Redders. A bootiful away swanger saw t'pink blur whip off t'bails for one of four stumpings. Marcus was reintroduced, Leach dispatch a ball of flighted filth into Danny D's hands and 164-4 resulted in 186 all out with Marcus 7-87 and Redders 2-29. T'fielding was good except for Carl G who couldn't cope with t'high standards required in t'second team. AB rounded off a rough weekend of dropped catches by running out Andy L after a 33 opening partnership. Carl was dropped early, hit a quick 24, and was caught. AB(25) hit a six and then out. T'skipper came in and from 85-3 off 16 overs, put on 68 with t'Kiwi and were coasting at 153-3. T'Kiwi ignored t'skipper's instruction to play safely and was booled trying t'cut a booler booling off cutters for 44.T'skipper then proceeded t'watch t'rats desert t'ship as 153-3 went to 156-8. Marcus hit a quick fire 10 but was out on 174. T'skipper's 28 overs vigil for 32 not out guided t'score t'186 with Redders facing t'last three balls.T'first was blocked but instead of tip and run he thought he was a batsman and went for a gap in t'gully area and was caught.

T'Wall of Shame: there's plenty to add this week with 1st team's 5 and 2nd team 6. Danny W leads with four but closing up fast is Danny D 3 T'Colonel 3, AB and Wadey 3.

Carl struggling to live with Gavin and Danny's moving ever closer to Amy.

c T'Sage 26/7/10

ARTICLE 20: NUMBER 11 SAVES T'DAY AGAIN/ CARL'S TON/ WIGS GALORE WHERE'S BOSTIK? (July 19)

T'Millers are pushing their luck as they 'ad t'rely on their number 11 t'see them home again. Last week it was Dwyne crashing a four for victory, this week Irongloves hadn't t'skill t'play t'bouncing ball and young Lee was left t'deal with securing t'two points, which he did with a magnificent glide to third man through t'ring o'slips.

Ashton blasted t'Millers t'tune of 253-7 dec off 41 overs and young Carl G responded t'bruvver's maiden ton by hitting one himself-10 fours and 8 sixes. Unfortunately, cricket 'tis cruel, one week you score a big ton, t'next you get a duck. Just when Carl needed help from t'skipper Wadey, he didn't get it and neither were t'Krum and t'Kiwi much use. T'boys shut up shop with Irongloves and Danny W looking as though they would see it through, but you just can't trust t'Millers batting. Too many players lack t'consistency which was t'hallmark of my playing days, mind you, t'brown envelopes helped.

T'Patio Panel made a brief appearance between t'rain but t'sparkle appears t've left them and t'booggers are in need of some catalyst t'inspire them. Which reminds me, Bostik Barrow should be making an appearance sometime soon having returned from one of his many holiday jaunts.

T'evening event was run by Gavin with his Eighties night, which allowed for all t' nancy boys we 'ave in t'club t'dress up and strut their stuff. T'range of wigs on show was more flamboyant than t'club is used t'seeing on a Saturday night but t'event went well. T'steward,despite his predicament, entered t'proceeding dressed as some hippy porn star accompanied by t'lovely Donna who was impressive..........ly dressed as well.

T'Wall of Shame: Ian W notches up another.

Carl creeps ever closer

c T'Sage 19/7/10

ARTICLE 19: GAV & WADEY RECORD PARTNERSHIP/AB'S DASTARDLY DEED/WHISPERING BOB MET HIS MATCH (July 12)

T'Sage is so disgusted with AB's unsporting behaviour that t'report will 'ave t'wait 'til t'nite t'allow him t'calm down.

T'stats were designed t'encourage increased performances not t'encourage t'skullduggery that AB displayed. For those of you not in t'know t'second team batting performances this year have been appalling. T'old skipper,batting on one leg for most of t'season, along with AB were only two in t'treble figures. At 77-9 with 25 overs left t'skipper joins AB (29). AB had just avoided his third successive duck and this innings made him leading run maker. T'boy (average 16.5) then procedes t'yahoo t'first ball, is booled, thus preventing t'skipper (average 19.7) scoring any runs,in fact, not even receiving a ball. Those in t'know await t'see with interest whether AB is selected for next match and if so, where he'll bat. Clifton amassed 191-7 with only Marcus 4-73 and t'Kiwi 3-41 coming out with any credit.

T'first team received some harsh words from t'new skipper Wadey following an abject performance against Robinsons. T'two Joes had reduced Robinsons from 79-2 to 124 all out. Joe S 4-4 and Joe B 3-13. They then put on 48 for t'first wicket but shocking batting caused t'team t'crumble t'107-9. Paul H 10no and Dwyne 8no eventually saw t'boys home.

On t'Sunday Joe B went awol again and young Lee W substituted. Andy McCheyne had a tremendous game, a seven ball duck and a dropped dolly but t'boy looked t'part in his floppy hat. Half of t'Failsworth team were on a trip t'Whitby and at 22-2 it looked as though they weren't missed but Fatboyslim and Wadey literally played tip and run augmented by boundaries they developed t'score. 'Twas a pleasure to see Fatboyslim's fitness levels at such a high peak and despite t'loss of weight in t'arse area he's managed t'counterbalance when pulling t'leg.A club record partnership ensued of 339 as Fatboyslim 20/12 out muscled Wadey 21/9 in t'boundary count. Me thinks t'Wadey needs t'go t'gym as some of his sixes weren't clearing t'houses.T'partnership ended with Wadey booled for 163 with t'score on 361 and then Fatboyslim was caught for 170, his maiden century with t'score on 384. Then 'twas true farce as Krum and golden duck Craig left t'Kiwi entering t'field o'play with no pads on and facing hatrick ball, which he duly dealt with. Wadey had had enough and declared t'innings 384-6 with five overs unused.

Irongloves and Shaky dropped early chances but t'fielding of t'current Lurpak award winner was outstanding. T'colonel scored a direct hit and then nonchalantly took a screamer. T'Kiwi 4-46 and Joe S 3-26 dismissed Failsworth for 148. T'boys would like t' congratulate Irongloves on taking two catches which severely shocked some of those present.

T'wonderful world of modern technology saw young Mark in an unusual contraption following his operation and t'surgeon says he might never play t'violin again. With t'steward on t'other side of t'bar TD had taken over. Whispering Bob's mammoth six hour attempt to affect Terry had no impact and he left a dejected man as TD was still only warming up for t'heavy evening session ahead.

T'Wall of Shame welcomes Albert McCheyne, Fatboyslim, Carl Eden and Redders. T'Colonel picked up his second with t'prospect of many more t'come.

c T'Sage 13/7/10

ARTICLE 18 : T'CLUB GETS ONE ARMED BANDIT / T'KIWI RESIGNS AS WLM WIN FIRST MATCH (July 3)

It arrived at 6.33pm in a sling, much t'boys disappointment as they thought they were in for a few hours of gambling. Holty's arm refused t'go t'grave with any reverence. Whilst recouperating, he was thinking aboot t'distinct lack of sympathy cards he hadn't received when t'dog caused young Mark t'reach out and grab it. T'force ripped t'tendons and Mark had lumps where he shouldn't have but, t'boy's credit, despite searing pain, he still kept on talking until t'casualty stuffed him full of morphine.Even then, it needed a second dose t'throttle t'tongue . T'doctor was ecstatic as he hadn't seen one as bad a this for years and gleefully pencilled in an op for this Monday. Please note t'Chairman will not be accompaning young Mark as t'thought of t'knife 'tis too much for t'delicate boy. T'Secretary, in his pastoral role, has kindly offered to look after Donna.

T'Kiwi resigned as first team skipper following t'debacle at Westleigh, who gained their first victory of t'season. With t'two Joes out, t'rest struggled t'cope with an awkward track and were dismissed for 132. Only Fatboyslim (42) showed t'true art of batsmanship and Zorro thrashed a 20 at t'end. Willy Street took two wickets but Fatboyslim was brought on too late and showed his class with 2-11.Westleigh knocked t'score off in 24.2 overs.

T'second team encountered t'same familiar annual problem of first teamers regularly dropping out and stripping t'team of batters. Fortunately t'skipper saved his team from severe punishment by winning t'toss. AB, who has recently expounded t'theory he was an opener, got his chance. Bowled, third ball for a duck.......t'third of t'season. T'skipper smiled wistfully as another plan succeeded. Redders and Ryan dug in,literally, and for 32 minutes no run came off t'bat, 4-1 off 10 overs, t'four being extras.Redders clipped a four, t'shock was too much and he was out next ball. At 79 -7 t'skipper (21 no), manfully playing with serious injury, proceded with young Andy G (37 no), to show those present how to play.Form is temporary, class 'tis permanent (is leading run scorer). They put on undefeated partnership of 57 to see t'Millers t' 136-7. In reply, some imaginitive field placing by t'wily old skipper failed to bear fruit as t'fielders dropped catches - Steve D, Andy B, Dwayne P. T'three wickets achieved were t'usual dismissal by t'pink blur, an excellent Dwayne P held skyer and a spectacular full length dive off his own booling by t'young pigeon catcher Ben.

T'Wall of Shame: AB and Danny W lead with 3 ducks, followed by Wady and Kiwi.

Fatboyslim overtakes bruvver at last .

c T'Sage 5/7/10

ARTICLE 17: HOLTY'S BOOLING ARM.......R. I.P (June 30)

'Tis with much sadness and hilarity that t'club announce t'death of t'Steward's booling arm. It died painfully at 7.13pm GMT Tuesday June 29th and has yet to be put t'rest. T' Steward was enticed out of his lair and booled two balls at t'fence panel. T'lumps in t'ground caused t'ball t'turn but t'steward didn't realise this as he thought it was natural ability. Brimming with t'confidence he proceded t'nets t'show t'players that t'club 'twas missing out on a quality left arm spinner.Having marked out his run up, he ambled in and at t'moment of release, t'muscle in t'left arm pinged. Flowers, with roots, are to be sent t'Keith t'be placed in a memorial garden, which is where young Nigel's missing ferns must be.

'Twas with much amusement that I received a text from Fatboyslim informing me that I hadn't included his bruvver's Saturday duck in t'averages and he kindly informed me Carl's average was now 27.25. Such is t'pressure t'boy's under he's bought a calculator and invested in lessons on how t'use it.

T'bladder problems caused me t'miss t'kiwi's deliberate failure to attempt to field a screamer last Saturday.A full analysis will appear in next week's article.

T'Sage 30/6/10

ARTICLE 16: DOUBLE LOSS BUT WHAT'S T'GROUNDSMAN DOING? (June 29)

T'weather 'twas gorgeous again but t'sights I saw at t'Fothergill's nearly took me t'early grave. I can understand Terry looking more and more like David Dickenson and young Nigel t'tanned Adonis but some of t'exposed pearly white legs t'were x rated. AB, Dangerous and Marcus's pins must have last seen t'light of day way back in t'nineties, and as for Redders, one bruise on t'sparrow legs looks as though t'cat has given him t'hickey. Talking about t'groundsman Terry (now referred to TD in future) what's he been doing all week with t'hose pipe 'cause it certainly wasn't being put used on t'ground? Me thinks he's been secretly practising for t'wet T shirt competitions in Oz. T' sorched outfield reminds me back in t'early eighties when we had to embark on t'mass urination programme in order t'keep t'turf alive.

T'firsts were spectacularly put t'sword by t'non-English willow as t'Fothergills took t'booling apart. T'Millers hit a 233-7 with t'two Joes opening up with 76 before Joe S was booled for 47. Relatively slow progress was made by Joe B (46) and Shaky (30) but Fatboyslim,inspired by t'abuse he's receiving from his bruvver, hit an excellent 43 not out, notice t'red inker, and Ian W finally managed to score a run with t'quick fire 21. T'Colonel, severely pissed off on being dragged out of t'seconds, hit two fours at t'end. Then T'Millers got Sabired t'tune o' 142 and t'Fothers coasted to 238-5 with 7 overs remaining

T'seconds encountered a park's type pitch and were dismissed for 78.Fothergill's had little problem in knocking them off but t'were some astonishing sights t'behold. AB's attempt for move five yards ended with him having to make a spectacular 'City dive' in order to make t'catch and Zorro churned t'turf up as he turbo charged for ten yards to make t'catch off t'dad. Although t'pink blur's catch was superb as t'was his scintillating cover drive which T'Fothers responded by putting cover on t'boundary, little comment needs t'be made as class is permanent. T'vice captain had a 'moody', unhappy his 5-71 last week was not recorded in t'archives for posterity, and t'fact he gave Danny S run out, he proceded to bool some shite. Danny S didn't help matters by dropping a dolly off him.

T'quiz night was well attended with t'usual skullduggery as t'Colonel was allegedly caught not only using a mobile but the offered some feeble excuse as well. T'Chairman and t'Treasurer plus t'lovely Donna would like t'point out that once again they retained their title despite being faced by t'conglomerate team of Greaves, Greaves, Dangerous and Mrs, Colonel, Dibble and Grub.

T'Wall of Shame: we welcome this week Carl G, Andy G, Dangerous as well as 2nd offenders AB and Danny S

Little movement except Ian, Gavin and Danny are creeping closer to their counterparts.

T'Sage 29/6/10

ARTICLE 15: SHAMBOLIC 1ST XI / 2ND FALL 1 RUN SHORT / YOUNG BIRTY ON NATIONAL X-BOX BAN (June 19)

T'was another shambolic display by t'first team and I don't know why I booother to waste valuable space in describing their performance, so I won't. As soon as they come up against decent boolers they can't take t'pressure. Only Joe B batted properly with a stalwart 31 but 'ad little support other from Krum with 21 to fall all out for 87. T'Valemen knocked them off in 18 overs for t'loss of one wicket, enough said.

T'second team were involved in a match of t'twists and t'turns. T'Valemen couldn't cope with young Marcus and with t'aid of t'pink blur and two excellent catches from T'Colonel Lurpak and Ben B, they found themselves 26-6. Then t'wheels fell off as half chances were missed and Colonel Lurpak dropped a dolly. A fightback saw t'Millers have 'em 136-9 but an extraordinary feat of Zorro hitting by number 11 Majid with 52 off 16 balls took them to 188 all out. T'Miller's Zorro hit 22 but t'team slipped to 88-5. T'skipper hit 21and then there followed by some magnificent batting, completely out of character, by Andy G (39) aided by T'Colonel with a swashbuckling 30, guided t'team to within victory. T'Patio Panel, swelled by t'disgraced first teamers, did all they could t'encourage t'umpire t'award wides and no balls,but t'no avail. Fourteen were required off t'last over and with Andy's 4 and 6 two were required off t'last ball. Andy went for t'victory and was caught.T'story of t'second team's season, so near and yet so far.

Off t'field of play, El Presidente was whipped off t'ground by t'Mrs as soon as t'match was finished in order t'ave an early night following his escapade t'previous week. T'steward resisted t'temptations of Statler and Waldorf t'remain reasonably sober,but nothing's ever quiet at Croft Lane. T'notice board,despite a number of promises from t'Steward, still hasn't been put up so t'Secretary will confirm his resignation in writing. Young Ben B took t'spotlight this week with t'asbo from t'x-box people. T'boy 'ad t'serve a 24 hours national ban for 'matters unbecoming by a user'.

Good t'hear this column is being read in Oz, unfortunately our Aussie friend Wayne doesn't understand much English and is struggling t'understand t't in t'sentences. T'Chairman has been gathering ELPM kit for Wayne for when they meet up in Oz, but we understand he's eaten half a ranch since being with us and we don't know if t'kit will be big enough for t'fat b*****d.

T'Wall of Shame welcomes Joe S. Ian W and Willy S both had another duck and so t'top of t'duck table is filled by 1st teamers.On 2 ducks are t'Kiwi, Danny W, Ian W and Willy S

T'battle of t'bruvvers and Dwyer Family is as follows. Two big changes.....Krum goes ahead of Ian W and Danny manages to go ahead of Amy.

c T'Sage 20/6/10

ARTICLE 14: T'BATTING BATTLE O' T'BRUVVERS AND T'DWYER FAMILY(June 15)

T'add some spice and club talk I thought I would light t'touch paper and stand back and watch t'arguments rage over t'batting performances of t'four sets of bruvvers in t'club. Their stats will be displayed each week at t'end of t'article.

ARTICLE 13: SHAKY ON T'SLIDE AS CARL SEARCHES FOR A PARTY (June 12/13)

T'true art of sliding down t'batting order was dramatically displayed on Saturday. Shaky was padded up for 15 overs when t'skipper imparted t'immortal words t'Shaky 'We've 'ad a good start and don't need your sort of batting now' . T'was a cruel blow for poor Albert as not only did he slump from number 3 straight t'number 11 but failed t'get his £6 worth other than a good tea.

Joe B (76) anchored t'innings and put on 87 for firts wicket with Joe S (31) and a further 51 with young Willy who continued his good form with 47. Gav failed to take t'shine off t'ball for his brother which he claims he 'as to do. Young Carl just smacked 22 off one over in his 27 not out at t'end of t'innings and told all who would listen he should be higher up t'order.I understand from those in t'know that young Carl was desperately enquiring on facebook if anyone knew of a party he could go to. Did t'boy succeed?

A score of 228-7 was good but proved not good enough. Controversy surrounded t'second innings and with only one umpire two run out non-decisions effectively changed t'game. T'Patio Panel were incensed but were impotent in more ways than one. They did grudgingly congratulated t'skipper on his fielding. T'skipper said he was diving around, T'Panel claim he just fell over.

Ian W, recent scores of 1,1,0 ploughed away for ten overs, yes in two spells as t'boy's not fit enough t'bool ten on t'trot, 4-73. T'skipper tried all boolers but t'no effect as t'Lakesiders cruised home with a eighth wicket partnership of 50 and 27 balls t'spare.

On t'Sunday t'second team's opening bowlers were severely punished for bad bowling against Clifton. Nine boundaries in 44-0 off 8.1 overs before t'rain came t'their aid. Danny W booled too short (0-18) and Steve D too wide (0-22).

Statler and Waldorf were at it again and t'steward was bladdered by 11pm, as was t'groundsman, t'chairman t'wadey t'Carl and Mrs El Presidente told me she wasn't impressed with t'state of t'President when he arrived home either. T'Secretary showed a 'fit of pique' and resigned. T'discarding of his two donated large ferns by Keith was one thing but t'straw that broke t'camel's back was t'removal of his main notice board for t'telly.

Induction in t'Wall of Shame: Ian W

c T'Sage 14/6/10

ARTICLE 12: ANDREA FAILS TO CHECK T'KIWI'S STUDS & YOUNG BENJY CATCHES PIGEONS (June 5/6)

Thou knows that Andrea does everything for t'Kiwi including wiping his backside, but t'old girl slipped up when failing t'check t'skipper's studs whilst packing his bag.T'Patio Panel are getting on in years and extreme hysterics need t'be avoided in case of t'heart attack. T'Kiwi attempted t'bool his notorious '24 yarder', slipped and fell on t'backside. T'Panel wet themselves and t'Kiwi checked t'studs t'see very few there. I understand some chastisement occurred late on Saturday evening.

Big Willy was at it again hitting a cultured 84 with t'aid of Joe S, demoted to number 7, who slogged his way to 42 and Carl who did likewise to 31. Now this last score upset young fatboyslim who appeared unable t'convince t'brother that his early doors chiselled 35 laid t'foundation t'innings when t'booling was at its best.

Springhead charged after t'Millers 254 and young Danny W and Ian W took some serious stick. T'skipper calmed things down and with t'aid of fatboyslim,Willy and Krum, dismissed Springhead for 183. Five points and up to third in t'table. However, t'catching deteriorated again and t'highlight was Danny W attempt to catch a skier. Now t'manual says t'boy should take some time t'assess t'situation, get into position and steady thee self and do t'business; not run in straight away,stand still and then let t'ball go over t'head for four.

T'20/20 drew a good crowd and some excellent entertainment was 'ad. T'Kiwi, rosey cheeked from t'camping in t'lakes, did t'bbq; and those in t'know think he should resign as skipper and do this job permanently. Totts scored 133 off their 20 overs and t'Millers were 81-1 off 8 as Big Willy got going but collapsed t'83-6 and then 100-7. Mike H and Danny W did t'business and Danny slapped two fours t'see t'Millers home with 2 wickets and 14 balls to spare and storm t'top o't'triangular table .

T'second team friendly was decided by Irlam's first teamer who took 3-7 and smacked 33 not out. ELPM collapsed from 41-1 to 79-9 before acting skipper Marcus strode in at number 11 and hit a swashbuckling 31 with young Ashley B (12 not out) in a partnership of 59 for 10th wicket. Redderseque luck from shite booling saw Dangerous take 2-21 as young Ben Birty swooped for his first of three catches. He then took 3-12 as Irlam reached 105-6 only for t'game t'be taken away from t'Millers by some violent batting from t'ringer.

T'weather has drawn in t'crowds in and everyone except t'President was glad to see old Franny. El Presidente had come t'aid of t'steward and gone off t'replenish supplies which had run out. On his return he asked young Mark for a pint of his much beloved bitter. only t'be told that Francis had been up t'his old tricks again and supped t'barrel dry.

T'was discussing t'events of t'day in t'bar but was forced t'leave when t'conversation 'tween t'two red headed Marks on t'problems being ginger in t'sun reached an all time low. T'treasurer graphically explained how, in using t'sun lamp t'tone his lilywhite skin, he burnt his arse.

T'Wall of Shame: t'runners and riders so far for t'duck trophy are:

Joint 1st: Keyworth (2) Willett (2) ...don't need to mention any one else as these two are t'favourites

c T'Sage 7/6/10

ARTICLE 11 : STATLER AND WALDORF'S BAD INFLUENCE ON T'STEWARD (May 29/30)

Saturday's games t'were washed out but that had no effect upon t'bar takings. Those of you who are old enough t'remember T'Old Grey Whistle Test will remember Bob Harris. We've our own whispering Bob Statler who has encamped upon t'bar stool in t'corner drinking t'scrumpy cider along with his side kick Keith 'put a double in t'pint lad' Waldrof. 'Tis all well an' good for t'club funds but their influence upon young Mark has had an catestrophic effect - t'steward is regularly pissed by 6pm.

T'old hands watched in amusement at t'birthday bash as young Carl targetted 11/13 unattached females. Poor boy 'as lost his touch as he appears unable t'pull t'skin o'a rice pudding; but t'lad's a trier even taking 3 home in t'taxi, but I'm afraid as they say in t'Eurovision, t'lad scored nil points.

T'sun shone for Sunday's Stanley Newhouse Trophy, but it didn't shine out o't'backside of t'skipper for t'day you Fatboyslim who had to resort to a drinks break speech 'Do as I say not as I do' as he dropped 5 catches t'lead t'troops into t'pit of disarray. Not only was his catching a disgrace, even off his own bowling, but he turned up t'match with no balls. Willy Street had some control on t'game with 3-33 but carnage ensued. Young Ashley managed t'pitch t'ball up and was rewarded with 3-46 as t'Harvey reach 256. In reply t'skipper led from t'front andretired on 50. Young Willy gracefully got to 52 before being caught and Carl hit a lustly 54 not out. Zorro was run out going for t'quick single.

T'Patio Panel were in their element as first Danny W completely ignored their technical advice of how t'avoid a third duck o't'season and he achieved t'milestone with some ease..caught 0. T'Panel bayed for t'tail end to tread on their wicket so t'retired men could return but t'Fothergill's saw through it and deliberately missed chances to keep t'weaker men in....just not cricket as t'Millers finished on 234. T'Panel firmly believed that t'match would 'ave been a Millers' victory had Plastic Pete (a disciple of Bostik ) t'Harvey's umpire, ignored numerous F&H wides as t'hands appeared t'be melted in t'coat pocket.

A good day was had by all and one o't'highlights was t'sartorial dressed umpire Ivor Bulge, resplendent in his panama hat. T'game was stopped as he had t'waddle at pace after his hat, which blew off and t'bets were on as t'whether t'hat would reach t'boundary before Ivor collapsed. Ivor won but 'ad t'call for a pint t'recover.

c T'Sage 31/5/10

ARTICLE 10 : 1sts FIND BALLS/AMY OUTSHINES HUBBY/T'PATIO PANEL T'SPONSOR YOUNG BIRTY? (May 22/23)

T'skipper embarked on an unusual pre-match team talk with a Churchillian type speech quoting t'Sage's comments last week, t'summary of which was 'you were shite'. It worked. He won t'toss and batted this time in t'searing heat. Willy Street (60) laid t'foundation but t'usual collapse 98-2 to 120-6 failed to signal t'pack o'cards' syndrome as Gary 'Krum' W (42) galvanised t'lower order, excluding t'skipper who achieved his second successive duck, with Danny W (17) and Carl G (23) helping t'score to an impressive 191.

A very strong Totts batting line up was dismembered by quality catching, not a single drop, it brought t'tears t'me eyes as I recalled past glories in my day when this was t'norm. Joe S held a screamer a 2nd slip off t'third ball of t'innings to t'shock of everyone, and then held another. T'flying horizontal Krum, measured 3.2 on t'Richter scale, got rid of t'dangerous Ashley P and young Ben B caught Meehan's skyer. Gavin caught Marsh and Ian W caught t'flaying Iqbal off young Ben t'end to game 131 with Willy S 4-28 and Ian W 3-39. (TSJ 174-0 on t'Sunday to win cup 2nd round v Blakley).

T'Patio Panel, with nothing to criticise, slept in a comatosed state for most of t'second innings but awoke with glee as Bostik made an unscheduled appearance.

T'second team got a good thrashing in their friendly against Manchester University's 5th (out of 7) team. T'Uni won t'toss and batted beautifully. On behalf of t'club I tried t'broker a deal t'sign t'seven who would walk into our firsts, but it was scuppered when t'President denied all knowledge of t'concept of t'brown envelope. They cruised to 280-8 off 35 overs and then declared. Danny D 3-23 and Joe B 2-56 were t'major wicket taker and t'pink blur had t'three usual victims. Willy's mate Lee needs a mention. Talked up as a good fielder by Willy, Lee proceded to drop two catches and was clean bowled first ball for a duck. T'Millers encouraged t'Uni lads t'ave a big tea andt'ruse worked as t'score reached 93-1. Willy S hit a powerful 51 and Ryan M an encouraging 26 but then it all went down hill rapidly. T'two Birty boys batted together until young Ben hit a full toss down square leg's throat three quarters in from t'boundary. It was at this point T'Patio Panel question Ben's slight build and decided t'boy needed t'imput of two steak puddings a week.

Amy D, impressive when fielding, was cheered for every run she scored and had t'pleasure of batting with t'hubby who did did usual six and out . Amy tickled a four to reach 7 before being bowled. T'Secretary signed her on and told Danny he could look after t'child in t'future on match days. T'remaining batting didn't make much impression as t'innings ended on 180.

T'following were inducted in T'Wall of Shame: D.Dwyer and T'Kiwi for t'second time

c T'Sage 24/5/10

ARTICLE 9 : CRAP WEEKEND (May 15/16)

T'think I missed me omnibus edition of Corry to watch t'same familiar pattern. Bring on a good team and t'boogers collapse like a pack o'cards. Top of t'league one week and down t'sixth t'next for t'first team.

T'skipper inserted t'Catholic Club with Joe B gone AWOL and after quick wicket Joe S drops a dolly early on and t'man goes on t'make fifty. It didn't get much better as t'opposition notched up 194. At least ironglove Mike snaffled three behind t'stumps. Looking down t'team list, who was going t'anchor t'innings when under fire from t'pace attack? No one again, god help us if there was a war, no backbone these boys. Only irongloves with a sparkling 34 not out offered any resistance as t'team collapsed to 97 all out.

T'second team blew it again against t'Rochdale Sunday team. T'skipper opened and defied their attack in an innings containing mostly drives, a rarity in itself. T'skipper was knackered after a scintillating cover drive which failed to reach t'boundary 150 yards away and an all run three. His 24 was only beaten by 25 extras as t'team struggled to 107 all out. Rochdale collapsed to 16-4 as Marcus Y and Paul H took two wickets apiece, but t'youngsters dropped two catches and that was that, 111-4 with 20 overs left.

Induction in 'T'wall of Shame' - Paul H, T'Kiwi and Danny W, with two golden ducks, becomes t'leader in t'race for the t'duck trophy.

c T'Sage 17/5/10

ARTICLE 8: T'PATIO PANEL'S VERDICT.....'BOSTIK BARROW BURSTS BUBBLE' (May 8/9)

There will be a slight delay in t'report whilst t'club's legal eagles check t'head line.

No it's fine on t'two points of cricketing law relevant to t'situation:

1. T'Patio Panel were under t'influence and not qualified to give lbws from 50 yards away adjacent t'wicket.

2. BB did stick three fingers up for Gavin.

'Tis marvellous this game of cricket, one day you're on top of t'world and t'next you're down t'earth. 1st team strode t'top o't'league with a seven wickets win at Ashton. A whirlwind start by Mr.Khoker (71) had t'Millers in a spin but t'skipper took charge and bowled himself 10-5-23-4 to bring some reality back t'situation. As I've been telling thee before, there's no substitute for experience. However, I must at this point express me embarrassment with t'dress of t'skipper. A club cap yes but when he shuffles ont'field of play, dressed in Compo's hat, I despair. Had Nora come on and smacked him one I would'ave applauded t'old girl. Some late wickets by young Gav and Joe B dismissed t'Ladies for 165. It would have been a smaller total if Craig H hadn't dropped his weekly dolly (gets t'harder ones though) and young Ian spent t'evening whingeing that his hand was sore trying t'disguise two dropped chances. In reply, t'two Joes put on 88 before Joe B was out for 39. Shaky was lbw again, a sign t'eyes and other functions seem to be going. Willy hit a four and six before being run out and young Gav kept company with Joe S to see t'Millers home. Joe 90. as I recall, was a fantasy programme in t'80s and that was probably t'last time Joe S batted as well. His 87 not out contained 16 fours and a six.....a fantasy story if I ever 'eard one; and he's already half way t'last season's total.

T'batting t'next day was shocking. Joe B had pulled out with t'sickness bug but t'rest succumbed meekly to 127 on a track with a bit of bounce. No application t'stick it out, as in my day. and t'be bowled out in t'cup with 12 overs not used is a criminal offence. T'booling wasn't much better as t'Valemen cracked 98 in boundaries. 'Twas t'skipper's fourth change bowler Gavin who caused a stir with 5-23 but too little too late as t'Vale won by 2 wickets.

T'second team paid t'price of poor fielding as they let slip a golden opportunity t'pick up five shiners. T'skipper won t'toss and batted. He and Gareth Y(38) put on 63 for t'second wicket and then t'wheels somewhat came off 81-1 to 96-5. A late order revival, somewhat of a shock for this team, saw Aaron W (26) hit four fours and a six . Good to see Carl G back after three years. Young Carl G, well should be young at 24, but t'boy has realised that trying t'gallivant at t'Bury night club on t'Friday night is not as easy as it used t'be, hit a good 28 to see t'team to 171. T'skipper pulled a surprise as t'Millers opened with two spinners and Prestwich were reduced to 14-3 but it also included a dropped catch which cost the game. Young Mr. Cheshire survived drops on 0 and 38 to go on to make a match winning score of 78. Marcus Y and AB three wickets a piece and young Ben B with two, aided by t'skippers four dismissals, and a marvellous run out by Carl saw Prestwich 148-9. T'skipper swore he had a stumping but not given as number 11 straight drove three sixes and a four t'short boundary to win t'game. One good point, Dangerous survived t'match without being injured again; no doubting t'influence of a good woman.

In t'bar, Mrs. El Presidente, having told young Nigel she wasn't happy with his field placings, then handed over to Mr. El Presidente, who then proceded,with t'aid of beer mats, to show young Nigel how to set a defensive field t'Marcus. To cut a long story short it basically involved everyone on t'boundary, though he ran out of t'mats, and Marcus covering singles on both sides of t'wicket.

T'Wall of Shame: following Sunday's performance, two more recipients will be inducted...... Danny W and Paul H....what I hear you cry, didn't Dangerous get a duck on Saturday? T'skipper scrutnized t'book and found batting total 156 only actually added up to 154. T' two singles were on Aaron's score which had also been added up incorrectly. One of t'singles should have been on DD's.

T'Sage 10/5/10 ...please note all T'Sage's work is now copywrite as he doesn't want any thieving bastards nicking his opinions.

ARTICLE 7: BLOOD BATH AT THE OK CORRAL (May 1/2)

Will t'owner of the Dangerous Dave pontoon ticket with 'two complete games before injury' please collect their winnings from t'committee.

There was much celebration at t'club, especially from t'Chairman (but more about this later) with the 1st team winning again and t'2nd 's superb win at Greenmount.

1st team, with the return of t'three amigos, were inserted. T'skipper,with an inspirational move, opened with thrasher Ian who duly hit five sixes and nine fours in his excellent innings of 78. Unfortunately t'rest of t'top order tried to emulate him and failed miserably but t'skipper Kiwi came in at six and showed how things should be done. Me thinks t'ageing milkman's eyes are going as he top edged t'ball and split his right eyebrow. Blood spilt on t'sacred turf didn't affect him as it would t'young nancy boys and he continued before being bowled for 28. Danny W (15) and Mike H (22) hit breezy knocks to be all out 217. Now this looks an impressive score but not t'us in t'know. T'boys failed t'bat t'45 overs and t'gungho approach to batting depresses me with only 30 singles in 217...'tis shocking, not like in my day.

However,all this pales into insignificance with t'behaviour of young Gav, and if I was on t'committee I would 'ave him banned for life but I'd settle for a damn good thrashing with t'birch. T'Failsworth fielder goes t'hospital with a broken finger, so, and per t'etiquette, t'Millers provide a sub fielder. Young Dwyne fields well but when Gav comes on he lets t'ball pathetically through his legs for four. Last year his big arse would 'ave stopped it. T'was embarrassing and T'Patio Panel quite rightly let rip with howls of vitriolic abuse. T'bowling was shambolic. Ian S was knackered after six overs 2-20 and some of t'support bowling I could've scored off with a stick of rhubarb. Cricket 'tis a cruel game, one week Willy Street's a star t'next he's down t'earth with his picture on 't'wall of shame'and 0-28 off three overs. Danny W is another who I'd 'ave before t'committee for jug evasion. He smugly sat in t'bar with 4-20 but 'twas a disgraceful attempt at a caught and bowled as t'ball looped in t'air, he went for it, stopped, went for it again with a pathetic dive and missed t'cherry. T'big Failsworth partnership, filled me 'eart with joy as t'ball was played along t'ground and t'strike rotated, proper cricket t'was.T'was broken by Ian W(3-44) who had both of them and somehow t'Millers managed a 28 runs win. Two wins out of two and in top three of t'table, t'bubble is bound t'burst soon.

Now I've been mildly offended by some of t'comments from t'ignorant of t'club for not criticizing t'2nd team skipper. 'Tis difficult to lambast t'experienced man when he's doing a fine job. 'Tis time for me to educate t'fine points of cricket which pass t'nancy boys and others by at Croft Lane. Firstly he won t'toss, t'man being a true professional, had been religiously practising all week since his three losses last week, and fielded. Two reasons for this, t'sick and unfit crew he had needed t'best of t'weather to get through 45 overs and secondly, t'boys liked agood tea. El Zorro pulled out with sickness but turned up and at tea time, announced he was 12th man and dragnetted t'tea table. T'skipper had a torrid time behind t'stumps missing six leg side stumpings but getting t'other three plus only two byes in 40 overs of standing up.'Criticize' I hear you say but time to educate again. T'hardest part of keeping is not only standing up but standing up to inswing bowlers like Paul H and Steve D, on early season wickets with variable bounce. Why stand up? This not only increases t'chance of a stumping but alsokeeps t'batter in t'crease thus increasing chance of lbw. T'catching early on was dreadful and Mr. T. and Mr J. Ahmed lustily hit t'heart's content until Marcus bowled Mr T who was on his fifth innings for 47 and Dave H caught Mr.J with a remarkably casual catch on t'boundary for 31. This proved to be a fluke as t'next chance went straight through t'hands for six. Skilful field placing, t'right men in t'prominent catching positions , saw Paul H bag three and AB one. Steve D 4-36 was well supported by Marcus 3-43 and young Ben B with 3-26 who bowled unfazed with t'opposition boys on t'slog and finished them off for 194. I must applaud t'skipper for bollocking young Ben earlier on for straying from his fielding position on t'boundary. T'boy had taken it upon himself to move 20 yards further in and in doing so held a magnificent diving catch.

A 35 opening partnership was highlighted by Redders 10 overs 0 and t'balcony rose as one as Nev signalled his one and only scoring shot, but t'boy 'ad seen t'shine off t'ball. Craig H opened up but lost concentration and 'oled out. Cometh t'our cometh t'man. AB produces one match innings a year and this was it so he's dropped for rest of t'season. He hit a magnificent 75 not out. Fortunately his nemisis Redders was at square leg and kept chirpping at him to keep concentration when t'fatigue set in, as it did ten minutes into his innings. At 55-3 t'skipper put on 62 with him but played a shit shot trying t'drive. Dangerous Dave was marooned and fortunately Lady Luck intervened and a bouncer split his chin. T'claret ran riot and Steve was particularly peed off as he had lent Dave his sweater,which will now be framed and displayed. Paul H gave t'innings t'impetus it needed and took t'pressure off AB. He clubbed six fours and a six in 35 not out in an defeated partnership of 70 with three overs to spare. It would be unkind of me t'mention Paul's bowling (0-51).

And now T'Chairman. He 'ad been celebrating t'City win and joined t'1st team in further celebration. At 10 o'clock he committed the heinous crime of knocking over t'Treasurer's pint but soon escalated into a criminal offence as t'pint washed over t'precious cash t'Treasurer was counting at t'time. I left as t'volanic eruption in Iceland had nothing on t'possibilities here. Fortunately,I'm told, t'Chairman's wife arrived , who is accustomed in t'art of dealing with naughty boys, and escorted him t'car; but like a real trooper, t'Chairman was back Sunday evening filling t'coffers of his beloved club.

T'Sage 3/5/10

ARTICLE 6: EL PRESIDENTE'S RETIREMENT

It's with a 'eavy 'eart that I 'ave to announce t'retirement of El Presidente from t'field of battle. It comes to us all but t'old boy 'as 'ad a good innings. As we were reminising only last week, times 'ave changed and not for t'best we think. T'President and me come from a different era, no nancy helmets nor thigh pads, just cotton gloves with rubber spikes, a pair of canvas pads, a proper bat made from English willow, and t'ball was hand made in this fair isle. It was an era of two practice sessions a week and woe betide any one who missed a match as they never got back into t'team. An era when fast bowlers were prominent who whistled t'ball through one's own hair and brown envelopes were common.

There 'ave been many a time when we've batted together but t'highlight last season was his innings with t'skipper against Roytonians. Having fielded for 45 overs and bowled eight overs T'President was entitled t'think about putting his feet up to watch a decent batting display. But no, a dismal performance by t'youngsters, who couldn't even play a decent forward defence, saw ELPM 2nds 46-9. T'President strode in and with t'old hand Nigel, put on 56 with no trouble at all, and it was only sheer exhaustion which saw T'President succumb. Fortunately for t'club t'whisky sales will continue to increase and no doubt he'll continue to occasionally join T'Patio Panel and issue his constant theme 'your field is too attacking, protect t'boundaries'.

T'Sage 28/4/10

ARTICLE 5: WEEKEND OF APRIL 24/25

Thou knows you just can't trust Jonny Foreigner. All we asked was for t'volcanic ash to stay a little longer to stop t'three amigos flying off on t'stag weekend, I wouldn't mind but how wilt Times cope in Barcelona when t'boy can hardly speak English? T'mobile companies did a roaring trade as t'lines between skippers were red hot as they tried to get 22 carcasses on t'field of play, even t'barman 'I 'ave a dream' Mark was press ganged into donning t'whites.

Credit, where credit due, t'first team did t'job in beating Robinsons who looked in similar position to us. Three quick wickets by Danny W and t'Kiwi had Robinsons reeling. T'crowd were stunned into silence as Craig H, t'2009 Lurpak Fielding award winner, fell t'ground as though being shot in t'buttocks and somehow pulled off a stunning catch. Normal service resumed later as t'poor boy couldn't decide whether to cup his hands or use t' Aussie style of palms up as a skyer went straight through onto his forehead. This however paled into insignificance when compared t'dolly t'Kiwi dropped off his own bowling. and in my day, any bowler worth his salt would retire from t'game in disgrace. Terry B had manfully donned t'wicket keeping gloves and held two gud'uns but paid t'price as on t'Sunday morning he found muscles he never knew he had which caused him to waddle in t'John Wayne style. Gavin G and Willy Street went on a marathon bowling stint which kept t'score under control as Robinsons reached 158-6 off their 45 overs. Gavin's 17 overs on t'trot was virgin territory for him and with his batting stint t'poor boy collapsed into bed, so stiff he couldn't get out of t'bed in t'morning. In my day, we regularly played twice a weekend,bowled for hours on end, batted like a dream and were up at 5am in t'morning off t'mill. Me thinks too many of t'youth of t'day are nancy office boys. Debutant Joe B immediately joined t'wall of shame with a duck and Craig H was bowled for 11 which did include two boundaries. Shaky restored some calm with 29 but it was Gavin (35) and Will Street 60 not out who hit ten boundaries in t'key partnership which ended with Gavin being caught behind. T'skipper Kiwi 9 not out ensured there was no panic as Willy ended t'match by hitting t'young spinner fortwo consecutive sixes.

T'2nd team skipper,for all his qualities, is a lousy tosser and it was t' first of three he lost over t'weekend. T'boys were massacred by Saddleworth who plundered 256-4 in t'gruelling sun but until t'dropped catches, t'Millers were still in t'game. One positive note was that t'old men put their backside and bellies on t'line to save runs right t'end, well to 44.5 overs when Mark H let a four trickle over off Ivor Bulge's bowling. He was not amused. Steve D 2-32 and young Young 2-73 bowled well until t'onslaught came. In reply, well let's say t'team did well to reach treble figures. Steve D, another with pulled bullock muscle, clubbed 38 and along with Dangerous Dave were the only ones to reach double figures. as if by some miracle, one of t'few players to crawl off t'field without injury was Dangerous, ironic eh? Hopes were pinned on 'I had a dream' boy but he was stumped second ball but he did lean impressively on his bat at t'none striker's end.

T' first round of t'cup against Greenmount lasted 10 balls before t'lord took pity and sent torrential rain. Ten balls was enough to see Zorro back in t'hutch having slapped a long hop straight cover. Two hours later t'umpires tried again but t'wicket had changed as t'ball spat off a length. T'boys couldn't cope and at 13-3 signs were bad, but experienced batsmen Shaky and t'skipper showed how to play in these conditions. Reminds me of t'old sticky dog wickets we played on in t'past where you needed skill and technique, a rare commodity in this team. T'bowl off....what can thou'st say when t'main pace bowlers can't hit t'three stumps. Marcus and young Ben struck and the score was 3-2 to Greenmount with just one bowler to go. T'skipper, in true class, took off his w/k gloves and duly did t'business. Unfortunately, Mr.Ahmed did t'same for Greenmount and that was that.

It'll be interesting to see how many make t'nets on Tuesday, as I've never seen so many casualties after t'first weekend, bunch of Jessies.

T'following join T'Wall of Shame : Joe B, Andy B, Mark 'I 'ad a dream' H

T'Sage 26/4/10

ARTICLE 4: 2ND TEAM FRIENDLY

'Twas good to hear t'leather on t'willow as t'ground looked a picture, freshly painted, newly mown and an impressive new score board with its flashing red light and expertly hand painted by our unemployed graphics designer.

T'2nd team was boosted by t'Kiwi and Fatboyslim and most of t'lads turned up on time except two. T' skipper was extremely concerned that Danny S's driver's side car suspension had broken as it lurched towards him at a 45 degree angle. Turned out that Danny had been grazing a lot during t'winter. T'Kiwi rolled up, as usual, ten minutes before t'start of play. It was good to see me old mate Mr.Openshaw, t'man could bowl. As most of you know, Oppy started smoking in t'womb and decided t'stop t'save money. Unfortunately t'enterprise backfired as hisconstant masticating has resulted in him having to buy a new 'wardrobe' as he now 'as t'same problem as t'Hulk.

Irlam won t'toss and batted. Joe B dropped a dolly off Redders and Irlam made hay until t'skipper stepped in. Now normally I would lambast a wicket keeper for posing in a pair of pink gloves, but all I saw was a flash of pink as t'opener danced down t'track to a Redders rare drifter and t'bails were off in a flash. There's no substitute for skill, pink gloves or not. Redders owed his second wicket to a brilliant diving left handed slip catch by AB. Now this was class but not in the category of T'President's slip catch I saw some years ago when he was 69, t'number rings a bell but I can't remember why. Fortunately Redders' 4.4-0-42-2 was humanely killed off as he pulled a fetlock and left the field. Danny W bowled a good line at pace and was rewarded with two wickets, one by a magnificent dive by Fatboyslim to get rid of their County U16 bat. T'Kiwi was expensive but had too much experience for t'Irlam youth as he cut one sharply back to bowl 'im. His other wicket saw Joe B atone for his earlier blemish as he held a one handed stretcher. Irlam recovered from 77-5 but once t'sixth wicket partnership was broken, quickly followed by a run out, Irlam subsided as Joe B 2-9 and Ben B finished off t'tail to 160.

Headingley has the Western Terrace, England the Barmy Army, but neither of them compare t'brutal caustic comments from ELPM's 'T'Patio Panel', comprising of those of a 'certain age', who deem themselves experts after six cans. T'Kiwi was the target of their baying. T' Patio Panel maintain they would have reached t'skyer but gave him a mark 2.3 for effort and 8.5 for his approach style and 9.4 for overall entertainment value.

I was just finishing off an excellent Donna tea when me last bit of t'swiss roll was rudely spluttered out as Zorro pinched a quick single to start t'proceedings. It didn't last long. Having survived two dropped catches Joe B did the decent thing and ran him out. Joe B anchored t'innings with 41 but wasn't supported by t'middle order, three of whom had their picture taken by T'Patio Panel, sitting underneath t'duck. Now these boys think they've got away with being named and t'shamed but all will be revealed at t'end of this article. T'skipper's a wily old fox, a trait only us old'uns recognise. T' experience in the batting line up lay in t'lower and 55-5 was no problem as Flatboyslim hit 23, Danny W 32 not out and t'Kiwi 16. He should have seen t'team home but got excited and was bowled with t'score 145-8. Normally with ELPM teams I would be extremely worried at this stage, but not this time as t'skipper had held himself back for this very moment. An impressive classic leg glance for 1 not out was all he needed to do as he watched Danny W smack the boundaries. New bowler on so t'skipper imparts his wise words to Danny, 'Have a look first and wait for t'bad'un' First ball six over cover, game over 165. I despair, when will t''young'uns learn to play this game properly?

It's at this point that 'T Wall of Shame' duck list will be posted every week. No such need for this sort of thing in m'day as us quality players knew how t'nurdle t'single.

T'Wall of Shame is : Ashley B (1) Danny S (1) and a golden from Aaron W (1)

T'Sage 19/4/10

ARTICLE 3: FITNESS UPDATE

It's true, really true, t'hibernation of t'kiwi is over but it's taken its toll. He says t'pressure of running t'first team means he's too busy to do a stint behind t'bar.

T'boys had a number of swellings and stiffness after t'first net session and not in places where swellings and stiffness should be. AB has decided that he's retired again from bowling following a s and s reaction. It was an education for some of t'lads as many had not seen the Grand Canyon before, but Danny Zorro soon put an end to that. Paul's struggling with t'injury but t'boy managed a full stint at second net. Redders bowled straight from t'beginning of second net (second miracle of t'evening) and young Marcus spun his magic. The lads thought a new chunky player had turned up but on closer inspection it turned out to be Joe. Bryan finally decided he was a left hand bat and had expert tuition from t'secretary. Hard luck Messrs Bailey and Greenwood....serves you right for missing nets expecting a historic occasion at Spotland.

Me contacts assure me Ashley's 18th went very well except for t'behaviour of one lady. Now in my day ladies had their sherry or babycham and discreetly held their liquor but times have obviously changed. If anyone sees Michelle B please would you kindly fill her in with what 'appened after 10pm last Saturday.

T'Sage 14/4/10

ARTICLE 2: NET SESSION 1

I was sitting in me parlour drinking me 'orlicks whilst perusing t'teletext on first day of county season, when 2nd team skipper rings. 'Sage he says, your readers want an article on the first net session'.I explained to young Nigel that as I hadn't been t'nets he would have to tell wot 'appened and I would give me opinion.

An impressive 18 turned out at Parrenthorn in a dim litted 'all, dim litted my arse, in my day we played by the light of one street lamp and I 'ad no problem dispatching t'ball. This was quite an expedition as many of the boys rarely know how to venture out of Radcliffe. 'I know the way' said Times' passenger.....and finished up at Cheetham Hill. Ma Birty arrived 30 minutes late and greeted t'secretary by blaming young Ashley for showering too late and then laid into t'secretary stating the state of the club was a disgrace and she'd spent 2 days cleaning for young Ashley's 18th party...jelly and ice cream and a stripper me thinks.

T'secretary got his usual abuse from 1st team as soon as he wanted money off them. Secretary has framed t'coins he received from Willy Street.

In my day nets were treated with reverence, quality forward defence with the occasional attacking shot once warmed up. Not for this bunch of cowboys as t'forward defence seemed a foreign shot for these lads. Good to see two quality new players arriving Joe Bailey and Andy Greenwood. Joe certainly knows how to use the forward defence and only he and t'skipper batted as batters should. Andy's left arm pace will add variety. AB's bad knees suddenly improved as he peppered young Ashley and declared he was miraculously available to bowl this year.Redders took one and a half hours to bowl straight and Wadey spent most of t'evening posing in his enhanced light sunglasses. T'fags were out after but half an hour and loud wheezing was 'eard from t'side door.T'only remaining interest was whether Danny Zorro and Dangerous Dave would get through t'evening without injury. No bloooooody chance. Zorro's knee collapsed after a long bowling spell and Dangerous was pinged by Dwayne 'Sorry mate it just slipped out'

Finally, still no sign of 1st team skipper.....there's a pint for the t'first to see the lesser spotted kiwi. All bets off if he's first seen ten minutes before first match.

T'Sage...I'm off to bed now. 8/4/10

ARTICLE 1: PRE-SEASON REVIEW

About bloooody time too. The amount of time I've spent giving advice to young'uns (anyone under 55) and they ignore it. Nuffing like 'aving it down in writing so the little boogers can read it for themselves. I wuz talkin' to me mate Vic Tripe over t'winter and were saying that things are getting too cozy for us both, as England kept winningand we had little to grumble about. I told Vic that young Alistair had a lot to learn even tho' we beat the Banglas and that a spell watching the ELPMCC 2nd team skipper wud greatly improve his lack of captaincy flair. We both agreed that life wud soon get back to normal once ELPMCC got into action.

So, a pre-season review. A bunch of lazy boogers I say. Only 6 regular bodies down repairing and renovating the club. They'll expect everything to be ready as they stroll down for the first game. Surely a Saturday afternoon at t'club is better than one with t'wife? Talking of t'wife, I sense a fund raising photo opportunity for t'club now the score box has a large window and red light above it, and along with t'stencilled duck, two of t'club's innovations this year.

1st Xl- well in name only. I saw some rubbish collapses last year and they play t' game as though it's a new fangled 20/20 match. I see skipper Steve has been preparing well for the season, no scorer and still to emerge from hibernation. Wady, a graduate from the Salford Schools Cricket Academy, will 'ave to carry the batting again, providing he can stay in long enough and use his brain......ah well one can only dream. I've a concern about young Gav whose big backside will no longer be able to counterbalance his slog following an impressive loss of weight.Opener Joe, I worry about t'boy, when Paul scores more runs than you in a season it's time to change the bat for a machete. Young William Street should bolster the middle order but big Willy tends to bat like Wady. Willy has been toning up for the season by using a Stihl saw on the club's protective concrete wall flood barrier. Craig, an artist with the paint brush but me thinks it's now time for him to bat with one. Will fatherhood change Paul who's seriously emerging as the club's all rounder who bats at 11. I nearly had a 'eart attack when I heard we had new 1st Xl players. We've raided the SSCA academy again to bring young Coco Walsh. Hopefully this boy will show t'others how to bat and tweak those offies. There's an interesting mix of characters at t'club and Wadey'sbruvver Gary should add another layer, he's also from the SSCA academy. Irongloves, another SSCA graduate whose only claim to fame is that he still holds the SSCA Under 11 10th wicket partnership record. Showed some promise batting at 6 but has yet to pull out a big'un. Albert McC struggled last year and really needs to spend time with 2nd team where he can demonstrate his masterful square cut. Jenks, one wonders how one who is so horizontal survives t'winter, 'as anyone seen him?

During the winter Terry has been undergoing umpire anger management therapy. Has it worked........we'll see on t'first wet day.

2nd Xl - must admit the old man did an wonderful job in avoiding the drop. It warms the cockles of me heart to see this old boy out score all others. There's no substitute for class and a stout forward defense, which is something Danny Zorro needs to acquire this year as he's a disciple of the Wady School of Thrashthebat. Is it me or me glasses that deceive me that whenever Redders goes out to bat his tight little arse is getting smaller by the year. It's not normal that a player should be wearing the same size troosers that he wore at school. Andy B thinks he's an opening bat now he's retired from bowling, I think the boy's been sniffing too much paint fumes. I'm seriously worried that married life has affected Marcus' his bowling arm. His batting again progressed and much is expected of the new vice captain this year. Stevie D......who's bothered about Rooney's ankle. it's Stevie's we need to worry about......a quality bowler who had t'bowl off three paces last year which will be reduced to 2 paces this year, one next year and rolling it underarm t'next. I'm afraid the poor soul will be reduced to begging for the raised digit. Dangerous Dave, an example to us all of how to raise funds for t'club. The DD pontoon will involve the dicey art of predicting how many games he will play this year. Young Aaron ....time to produce the goods. Showed what can be achieved against Rochdale. Young Birties......if they take me advice they should continue to improve, Ben with t'ball and Ashley with t'bat. Young Ryan...just started to show form before he got injured playing that nancy game. Dwayne...reminds me of a lithe Sir Learnie Constantine with his fielding, a joy to watch which is not t'case with his batting.

Crock watch - the much vaunted Holty big toe has taken its time to heal. To be honest, I 'ave little sympathy for someone who goes out t'bat with a big 'ole in the toe of his boot. But credit, where credit is due, he's acquired a new pair and has informed skipper he's ready for action as an attacking number 9 and not a defensive no 11. His reasoning for this change in attitude appears to have come from a dream he had where he hit a six. If thou'st 'ave a lot of time to spare ask him to tell you the tale. Danny S, still under heavy sedation as a result of Bolton's dismal season,has been hallucinating, claims he's a wicket keeper now.

In conclusion, unless some new talent emerges I'm confident this lot will give me loads of material with which to work with. I look forward to me talks with El Presidente, now he and me were quality players...none of this being coached malarky; and an opportunity to impart my words of wisdom throughout the season, which of course will be a wet one so two more points in t'bag.

For those of you who do not frequent t'Staff, I should inform you that half the club has been banned following various escapades from our members this winter. Those in t'know inform me no one gets barred from t'Cross so that's the new meeting place for away matches.

The Sage